Anxiety is behind my ears

One time he and I were sitting in bed and I said “Where do you feel stuff?” and he said “What do you mean” and I said, “Here is anxiety” and pointed to my bottom left rib where the spiders start. He pointed to his throat. “It’s here for me.” I keep anger in my breastbone, he holds it in his hands. i feel sadness on my shoulders, he feels it in his lungs.

We play this game until we come to love, and I realize that I am terrified (jugular vein) of what might come. What if it is not the same. What if he feels it somewhere else, what if it is just a flash fire, not the slow burn, what if it is congealing in one place instead of radiating, I try to change topics, flight response (sternum)

He takes my hands in his and puts them over his ribs and says, “Everywhere, everywhere, like a sun is trying to escape me, like I am being consumed and you are filling up where used to be empty.” I say, “don’t be ridiculous humans are 99% empty space,” I nervous laugh (spiders down spine), he holds his gaze with me. “Everywhere,” he repeats.
—inkskinned


It's just 7 days till I fly off, and I'm incredibly excited for this new adventure. In August, I kept writing my dates as September because I felt like I was constantly dreaming of that moment where the plane wheels would lift off the ground, and my heart would say 'Truly truly it's time to go!!!'

But I'm also really really anxious. I don't know if I will make friends - judging from the 2 CUMSA meetings, where in the first I was to tired to start conversation with any one and waited for people to come up to me, and in another I thought I was doing very well talking to people until someone asked me if social events like these tired me, and I realised my secret was found out. I shall miss the habits of love that surround and support so much of my life right now.

I also don't know if I will be able to cope with the work and rigour of Cambridge. Perhaps I am just unused to studying after such a long hiatus, but getting through my reading list has been an honest struggle. Often I find myself reading portions of text just for the sake of finishing the book, and of course I don't retain information that I don't read with passion, interest or intellect. Certainly some books have made deep impressions and I've enjoyed the stories and the learning, but others... I hope I really hold this quote (given to me by a dear dear friend as we battled the A levels together) to my heart as I begin learning: “Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how much you have always loved to swim.” – Tyler Knott Gregson

Jesus, please give me courage.