Saturday, August 23, 2014

Chris' Car



Yesterday after Nic's birthday dinner, Chris was going to send Hannah and I home.

And so we walked with him toward

the sleekest, most beautiful and business like black car you'd ever seen, as he suavely slid his keys out of his pocket...

and completely fooled us into thinking he was actually driving a car like THAT

but of course he wasn't, so after laughing about it, we walked some more

Towards a gleaming silver car (kidding it was night but if it was day it would have been gleaming), as he slid he hand along it's bonnet,

before setting off again to find his actual car.

And then suddenly we saw the blazing path of two headlights left on, and heard

"shit."

(Guess who's car it was?)

Friday, August 22, 2014

flight




High Flight by John Magee

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
 And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
 Sunwards I’ve climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
 Of sun-split clouds – and done a thousand things
 You have not dreamed of - wheeled and soared and swung 
 High in the sunlit silence. Hovering there,
 I’ve chased the shouting wind along and flung
 My eager craft through footless halls of air,
 Up, up the long delirious burning blue
 I’ve topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
 Where never lark, or even eagle, flew;
 And, while with silent, lifting mind I’ve trod
 The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
 Put out my hand, and touched the face of god.

On street harassment



A few days ago i came across a video that consisted of interviews of women who had been street harassed, experienced catcalling, groping, inappropriate touching and borderline violence from men on the street who they never knew. I was so disgusted because it was as if these men felt like they owned women, and relished in the power they had over women and the fear they could evoke.

When i walk home from school at night i do feel terrified, a do take my phone out and dial my dad's number and keep my finger hovering over the green call button, and i do panic if i here footsteps behind me. I don't know if its an inborn fear among girls, but i wish it didn't have to be. I wish it were irrational over imagination and i wish harassment like that was a very very distant nightmare. But it isn't.

I remember my mother telling me when i was young of one of my neighbors who had been walking out of her house when she had been pulled behind a bush nearby and 'touched'. I still remember how frightened i felt by that word i knew this 'touched' was not the same kind of touch I'd ever heard or felt before. And my mum told me how it was something most girls experience in life. And after that i felt kind of like life was a ticking time bomb and one day a man was going to reach out, touch me, and explode it.

That was why i had such a strong aversion to the two boys in SCGS who whistled and shouted at me as i played badminton in the courtyard (http://sleepingpolicemen.blogspot.sg/2012/09/weird-stuff-happens.html)
because the bomb went 'tick     tick    tick  tick tick tickticktickticktick'

I just think this should be stopped, and i don't know how but i do know why- because when bombs explode, they damage.

eye-commplishment




Today i successfully did eyeliner!!!! Not a cat eye of anything extravagant actually all i did was outline my upper eye but i felt a sense of triumph (like stevens but not in such a warped masochistic kind of way) because finally finally i have been initiated into the world of makeup

Monday, August 18, 2014


I want long hair again so i can do this

Sunday, August 17, 2014

do not go gently




Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Dylan Marlais Thomas

mix



I still can't quite decide if Monday was a terriblehorriblenogoodverybad day, or a day full of whimsy and wonder.

It began well, with a porridge breakfast.
(i don't know why people don't think oats when i say porridge-why would one eat rice for breakfast?)
whenever i eat porridge i think other grandma, because she eats it every day for breakfast. I have mine with honey, cinnamon and raisins and she has hers much the same, except less of each flavour whilst i pile it on.

After that i studied with Ben for a while, and i wasn't very productive, although i did finish my math notes!

After that the day started to go downhill. I had to prepare for my interview with PSC, i.e. the biggest interview of my entire life, upon which the course of my future depended upon. I wore a neatly pressed white shirt and a beige skirt and my court shoes and stockings and i felt completely not me. But i still went, arriving 45 minutes early and so i hung around the library while i waited.

When time came for me to wait i went to the waiting room and had a nice chat with the girl before me who was really friendly and comforting.
After she was called in talked with the girl after me too, mostly about the same things i talked about with the girl before.

My interview. I honestly feel like it went rather badly, it was grueling and tough and the interviewers were so so thorough, i felt young and stupid and superficial in their presence. I also felt incredibly annoyed at how they kept on interrupting me, preventing me from developing my answers to a point i felt satisfied with. They asked me on all manner of things, from shoebox houses in Hongkong, to the reasons for the gaza conflict, to my disinclination for leadership and preference instead for being an 'influential follower'

Perhaps i don't want to be bonded for 6 years, I'm still not completely certain  about that. I don't know so much about whether i want to be bonded right now. I think for this i will see how God steers me (especially in the outcome of this interview) and who knows, perhaps losing it will be a blessing in disguise.

After the interview, i walked toward the mrt station, and was stopped on the way by a man who asked me about my school and stuff and apparently was from AC too before he transferred to a polytechnic. And anyway he was raising funds for a school for girls on the street, and asked me what i thought they needed to build a school. So, helpfully, i said, "Bricks." Which made him laugh but didn't deter his purpose and so i left $10 poorer (did i ever mention that I'm very bad at saying no) but for some reason the encounter lifted my spirits somewhat. (when i returned home my other said he was probably planted by the PSC to see how gullible i was)

But after that i headed to Holland village to get a dog balloon from Gideon for Daphne's birthday the next day. (i was the official balloon carrier for his surprise for her the next day) And so i rode the train home in my court shoes, starched top, beige skirt, and a helium filled pug under one arm, and had a mini discussion with the Cold Storage cashier in chinese over whether it was a dog or a seal (she still remained unconvinced that i was a dog after i left)

I got home, thoroughly tired, and made a cheesecake, and then went for a swim to wash of the stress of THE FUTURE. I pseudo-raced the man in the lane next to me without him knowing, and i am proud to say i won this unofficial Olympic race. Or rather he was disqualified because he left the pool before i felt like the race was over, so i did the next few laps in solitude, and then just floated around and submersed myself in the water until i was confused over how to find the surface and where was the bottom and the top and whether i was still in a pool or just floating in space.

In order to prevent drowning (ever pragmatic) i left, put on my clothes over my wet swim things and dripped all the way back home, finishing a Poirot mystery on the way.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

m u r d e r e r





i feel like a murderer

Whenever i break a glass
I hoover it up with the hand held vacuum we keep behind the kitchen door
and leave it
until the next time i break something

today my father took the vacuum, and wanted to empty it out, before he hoovered something else out
and he plunged his hand
into my mess of shattered glass
like icicles

and he ran upstairs
and washed and washed and washed his hands trying to get the glass splinters out

and he didn't scold me at all
just panted heavily in pain


Sunday, August 10, 2014

Joy Joy Joy


I didn't go to church today because i was so immensely exhausted and feeling sicky, after waking up during a night plagued with dreams of a strange mafia that shot your eyes so your wouldn't see their evil and then drilled out your heart. Instead, i listened to John Piper's sermon 'God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.' 
It was one of the greatest sermons I've heard this year. It was mostly about christian hedonism, which is (as i understand it) the pursuit of happiness through God. I've been thinking about that for a long time (http://sleepingpolicemen.blogspot.sg/2014/06/who-is-my-god.html),and i always came to the conclusion that JOY is what God desires for us. 
This message confirms it, and explains it in a way that is so harmonious and rational and most importantly biblical that i found myself nodding vigorously to my computer as i munched on my honey toast breakfast.
So here's a transcript (with my little add ons near the end) and i hope it blesses you the way it blessed me! (my favourite part is the long quote of C.S Lewis which i think makes the question on God desiring our praise SO much more understandable)
I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel, 13 so that it has become known throughout the whole imperial guard and to all the rest that my imprisonment is for Christ. 14 And most of the brothers, having become confident in the Lord by my imprisonment, are much more bold to speak the word without fear. 15 Some indeed preach Christ from envy and rivalry, but others from good will. 16 The latter do it out of love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. 17 The former proclaim Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely but thinking to afflict me in my imprisonment. 18 What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice.
Yes, and I will rejoice, 19 for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, 20 as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death. 21For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. 22 If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. 23 I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. 24 But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account. 25Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, 26 so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus, because of my coming to you again.
In our series on the 30-year theological trademarks of Bethlehem we focus on Christian Hedonism. And let’s be clear from the outset that Bethlehem has not been built around a slogan or a label. The term “Christian Hedonism” is not in any of this church’s official documents. It’s not in our constitution, or our church covenant, or our Elder Affirmation of Faith, or Values booklet, or our Ten Dimensions of Church Life. It’s catchy, it’s controversial, it’s not in the Bible, and you don’t need to like it just because I do. So the point of this message is not at all to push a label or a slogan. The point is to talk about the massive and pervasive biblical truth that some of us love to call Christian Hedonism.
So this sermon is packed with some of the juiciest, most wonderful things that I love to know and experience. We need to get to work. Here’s the outline:
  • First, there’s a problem that needs be solved because of my second message in this series.
  • Second, Christian Hedonism is the biblical solution to that problem.
  • C. S. Lewis, and St. Paul give the basis for that solution.
  • Fourth, this solution — Christian Hedonism — changes everything in your life. (Eleven examples!)
That’s a tall order for one sermon. So here we go.

1. What I said in the second message created a problem.

I asked, Why did God create the world? And I answered: God created this worldfor the praise of the glory of his grace displayed supremely in the death of Jesus.The problem is that, at the heart of that answer is God’s self-promotion. God created the world for his own praise. For his own glory.
Oprah Winfrey, Brad Pitt, the early C. S. Lewis, Eric Reece, Michael Prowse all walk away from such a God. They stumble over God’s self-promotion.
  • Oprah walked away from orthodox Christianity when she was about 27 because of the biblical teaching that God is Jealous — he demands that he and no one else get our highest allegiance and affection. It didn’t sound loving to her.
  • Brad Pitt turned away from his boyhood faith, he says, because God says, “You have to say that I'm the best. . . . It seemed to be about ego.”
  • C. S. Lewis, before he became a Christian, complained that God’s demand to be praised sounded like “a vain woman who wants compliments.”
  • Erik Reece, the writer of An American Gospel, rejected the Jesus of the Gospels because only an egomaniac would demand that we love him for than we love our parents and children.
  • And Michael Prowse, the columnist for the London Financial times, turned away because only “tyrants, puffed up with pride, crave adulation.”
So people see this as a problem — that God created the world for his own praise. They think such self-exaltation would be immoral and loveless. That may be how you feel.

2. Christian Hedonism is the biblical solution to this problem.

Christian Hedonism says, God is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in him. That’s the shortest summary of what we mean by Christian Hedonism. If that is true, then there is no conflict between your greatest exhilaration and God’s greatest glorification.
In fact, not only is there no conflict between your happiness and God’s glory, but his glory shines in your happiness, when your happiness is in him. And since God is the source of greatest happiness, and since he is the greatest treasure in the world, and since his glory is the most satisfying gift he could possibly give us, therefore it is the kindest, most loving thing he could possibly do — to reveal himself, and magnify himself and vindicate himself for our everlasting enjoyment. “In your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore” (Psalm 16:11).
God is the one being for whom self-exaltation is the most loving act, because he is exalting for us what alone can satisfy us fully and forever. If we exalt ourselves, we are not loving, because we distract people from the one Person who can make them happy forever, God. But if God exalts himself, he draws attention to the one Person who can make us happy forever, himself. He is not an egomaniac. He is an infinitely glorious, all-satisfying God, offering us everlasting and supreme joy in himself.
That’s the solution to our problem.
  • No Oprah, if God were not jealous for all your affections, he would be indifferent to your final misery.
  • No Brad Pitt, if God didn’t demand that you see him as the best, he wouldn’t care about your supreme happiness.
  • No Mr. Lewis, God is not vain in demanding your praise. This is his highest virtue, and your highest joy.
  • No, Erik Reece, if Jesus didn’t lay claim on greater love than your children do, he be selling your heart to what cannot satisfy forever.
  • No, Michael Prowse, God does not crave your adulation, he offers it as your greatest pleasure.
God is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in him. God’s design to pursue his own glory turns out to be love. And our duty to pursue God’s glory turns out to be a quest for joy. That's the solution to the problem of God's self-exaltation.

3. Third, C. S. Lewis, and St. Paul give the basis for that solution — the basis for Christian Hedonism.

Lewis saw the basis in human experience. St. Paul shows it the letter to the Philippians. Here is the great discovery as I first found it in Lewis’s book,Reflections on the Psalms. He is discovering why God’s demand for our praise is not vain.
The most obvious fact about praise — whether of God or any thing — strangely escaped me. I thought of it in terms of compliment, approval, or the giving of honor. I had never noticed that all enjoyment spontaneously overflows into praise unless . . . shyness or the fear of boring others is deliberately brought in to check it. The world rings with praise — lovers praising their mistresses, readers their favorite poet, walkers praising the countryside, players praising their favorite game — praise of weather, wines, dishes, actors, motors, horses, colleges, countries, historical personages, children, flowers, mountains, rare stamps, rare beetles, even sometimes politicians or scholars. I had not noticed how the humblest, and at the same time most balanced and capacious, minds, praised most, while the cranks, misfits and malcontents praised least.…
I had not noticed either that just as men spontaneously praise whatever they value, so they spontaneously urge us to join them in praising it: “Isn’t she lovely? Wasn’t it glorious? Don’t you think that magnificent?” The Psalmists in telling everyone to praise God are doing what all men do when they speak of what they care about. My whole, more general, difficulty about the praise of God depended on my absurdly denying to us, as regards the supremely Valuable, what we delight to do, what indeed we can’t help doing, about everything else we value.
I think we delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not  merely expresses but completes the enjoyment; it is it’s appointed consummation. It is not out of compliment that lovers keep on telling one another how beautiful they are; the delight is incomplete till it is expressed.1
There it was. God’s relentless command that we see him as glorious and praise him is a command that we settle for nothing less than the completion of our joy in him. Praise is not just the expression, but the consummation, of our joy what is supremely enjoyable, namely, God. In his presence is fullness of joy; at hisright hand are pleasures forevermore (Psalm 16:11). In demanding our praise, he is demanding the completion of our pleasure. God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him.

That Christ Be Seen As Great

And that is what we find in Philippians 1:20–21.
It is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored [magnified — to cause to be seen as great] in my body, whether by life or by death. 21 For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.
Paul says that his great passion in life — I hope it’s your great passion in life — is that in his life Christ would be seen as great — supremely great. That is why God created us and saved us — to make Christ look like what he really is — supremely great.
Now the relationship between verses 20 and 21 is the key to seeing how Paul thinks that happens. It’s going to happen, Paul says — Christ is going to be magnified in my body by life or death — “because to me to live is Christ and to die is gain” (verse 21). Notice that “life” in verse 20 corresponds to “live” in verse 21 and “death” in verse 20 corresponds to “die” in verse 21. So Paul is explaining in both cases — life and death — how Christ is going to look great.
He will look great in my life because “for me to live is Christ.” He explains inPhilippians 3:8, “I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.” So Christ is more precious, more valuable, more satisfying than all that life on this earth can give. “I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.”
This is what he means when he says in Philippians 1:21, “To me to live is Christ.” And that he says is how his life magnifies Christ — makes him look great. Christ is most magnified in Paul’s life when Paul, in his life, is most satisfied in Christ. That’s the plain teaching of these two texts.

Death As Gain?

And it gets even plainer when you consider the death half of Philippians 1:20–21. Christ will be magnified in my body by death, “because to me to die is gain” (verse 21). Why would death be gain? The answer is in verse 23b: “My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better.” Death is gain because it means a greater closeness of being with Christ. Death is “to depart and be with Christ.”
This is why Paul says in verse 21 that to die is gain. You add up all the losses that death will cost you (your family, your job, your dream retirement, the friends you leave behind, your favorite bodily pleasures) — you add up all these losses, and then you replace them only with death and Christ — if when you do that you joyfully say, gain!, then Christ is magnified in your dying. Christ is most magnified in your death, when you are so satisfied in Christ, that losing everything and getting only Christ is called gain.
Or to sum up both halves of the verse: Christ is glorified in you when he is more precious to you than all that life can give or death can take.

The Centrality of the Cross

That’s the biblical basis for Christian Hedonism: God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him.
And this really was already implicit in the second message in this series. God created the world for the praise of the glory of his grace displayed supremely in the death of Jesus. Which means that the pursuit of his own praise reaches its climax at the place where it does us the most good, the cross. At the cross God upholds his glory and provides our forgiveness. At the cross God vindicates his own honor and secures our happiness. At the cross God magnifies his own worth and satisfies our soul.
In the greatest act of history, Christ made it come true for undeserving sinners that God could be most glorified in us by our being most satisfied in him.

4. Christian Hedonism changes everything: 11 illustrations

Death
1. We’ve just seen how it changes death. If you want to make Christ look great in your dying, there is no big performance or achievement or heroic sacrifice. There is simply a child-like laying yourself into the arms of the one who makes the loss of everything gain.
Conversion
2. Christian Hedonism changes how we think about conversion. Matthew 13:44, “The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.” Becoming a Christian not only means believing truth. It means finding a treasure. So evangelism becomes not only persuasion about truth but pointing people to a Treasure—that is more valuable than everything they have.
The Fight of Faith
3. Christian Hedonism changes “the good fight of faith” (1 Timothy 6:12). John says in John 1:12, “To all who received Jesus, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God” (John 1:12). Believing Jesus is receiving him. As what? As the infinitely valuable Treasure that he is. Faith is seeing and savoring this Treasure. And so the fight of faith is a fight for joy in Jesus. A continual fight to see and savor Jesus is more precious than anything in the world. Because this savoring shows him to be supremely valuable.
(Am i wanting to look at whatsapp before i look at Jesus? Sounds stupid. But that's how stupid sin is.)
Combating Evil
4. Christian Hedonism changes how we combat evil in our lives. Jeremiah 2:13gives the Christian Hedonist definition of evil: “My people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water.” (SILAS MARNER!!!!) Evil is the suicidal preference for the empty wells of the world over the living waters of God’s fellowship. We fight evil by the pursuit of the fullest satisfaction in the river of God’s delights (Psalm 36:8).
Our own WILLPOWER is not the solution to sin. FAITH is.
YOU CAN'T HAVE ME I've seen JESUS this morning.
What Hell Is
5. Christian Hedonism changes how we think of hell. Since the way to be saved and go to heaven is to embrace Jesus as your source of greatest joy, hell is a place of suffering, a place of eternal unhappiness, prepared for people who refuse to be happy in the triune God. Hell is eternal unhappiness----eternal separation from God=no way to praise and fulfill our joy.
Self-Denial
6. Christian Hedonism changes the way we think about self-denial. Oh, it is really there in the teachings of Jesus, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me” (Mark 8:34). But now the meaning becomes,
  • Deny yourself the wealth of the world so you can have the wealth of being with Christ.
  • Deny yourself the fame of the world to have the joy of God’s approval.
  • Deny yourself the security and safety of the world to have the solid, secure fellowship of Jesus.
  • Deny yourself the short, unsatisfying pleasures of the world so that you can have fullness of joy and pleasures forevermore at God’s right hand.
Which means there is no such thing as ultimate self-denial, because to live is Christ and to die is gain.
Money
7. Christian Hedonism changes the way we think about handling our money and the act of giving. Acts 20:35, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” 2 Corinthians 9:7, “Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” The motive to be a generous person, is that it expresses and expands our joy in God. And the pursuit of deepest joy is the pursuit of giving not getting. (No longer a 10% compulsion)
Corporate Worship
8. Christian Hedonism changes the way we do corporate worship. Corporate worship is the collective act of glorifying God. But God is glorified in that service when the people are satisfied in him. Therefore, the worship leaders — musicians and preachers — see their task primarily as breaking open a fountain of living water and spreading a feast of rich food. The task of the worshippers is to drink and eat and say a satisfied "Ahhh." (That's called praise) Come starved to get God. Because God is most glorified in those worshippers when they are most satisfied in him. (The seige Helen Dunmore)
Disability and Weakness
9. Christian Hedonism changes the way we experience disability and weakness. Stunningly, paradoxically, Jesus says to the weak and thorn-pierced Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” To which Paul responds, “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly [yes this is the voice of the thorn-pierced Christian Hedonist] of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me” (2 Corinthians 12:9). (C.R. Philippians 1:20) 
Love
10. Christian Hedonism changes the meaning of love. Paul describes the love of the Macedonians like this: “In a severe test of affliction, their abundance of joy and their extreme poverty have overflowed in a wealth of generosity on their part” (2 Corinthians 8:2). In verse 8, Paul calls this "love." "Abundant joy" in “severe affliction” and “extreme poverty” overflowed in loving generosity. Still poor. Still afflicted. But so full of joy it overflowed in love. So Christian Hedonism defines love as the overflow (or the expansion) of joy in God that meets the needs of others.
(Afflictions will not go away, they will probably get worse. BUT in these afflictions JOY in Jesus still remains! God is joy.)
Ministry
11. Christian Hedonism changes the meaning of ministry. What is the ministry aim of the great apostle Paul? 2 Corinthians 1:24, “Not that we lord it over your faith, but we are workers with you for your joy, for you stand firm in your faith.” All ministry should be one way or the other a working with others for their joy.
That’s why God created you (for your joy in Him). That’s why Christ died for you. That’s why we serve you as your pastors. And that is why I have preached this message. We are workers with you for your joy in God. Because God is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in him.

Monday, August 4, 2014

masked man




today a masked man with opera music playing from his pocket jumped into my classroom, handed out flyers, and left

LOVE THIS BEST MOMENT OF MY DAY

dig me a hole




MOST EMBARRASSING EVENING EVER

-i went to my room with 'christ is enough for me' by hillsong buzzing in my head and so, once i got to my room i just burst out CHRIST! IS! ENOUGH FOR ME! and then opened my eyes to see Tinaye sitting in Tim's chair and probably trying very hard not to laugh or turn around

(Tinaye is Tim's new Zimbabwean friend)

- and then i went to have a shower (after apologising for my moment) and when i finished, i realised i forgot to bring my pajamas in, so i went out of the shower in my towel and BAM Tinaye was sitting on the sofa in the lounge (hopefully he didn't see me)

Then i retreated back into the bathroom to think of a PLAN OF ACTION which actually was just to go out again and change in the privacy of my room)

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Hullo old life




blimp


5 Messages from 4 Conversations

'Miri I'm gonna have a surgery now'

'Yea nice seeing you around' (#imatter :'))

'MY HEART IS RESTLESS UNTIL I FIND YOU'

'even if you head off to new york and pursue a degree in aadvark studies and get an artsy fartsy boyfriend who wears rainbow scarves, I'll still be here with as much adhesive as ever' (i am putting this in a book one day'

'it was really the little things you did and said which brought me through' (the significance of the trivial hohoho)

heart in mouth


Take me to You, imprison me, for I
Except You'enthrall me, never shall be free,

(oh, john donne)

Best feeling this week: 

Floating in a pool and then ducking under and staying for as long as possible in the darkness and quiet noise (without drowning myself)

And then getting home and taking off all my clothes to discover that i have THE most obvious swimming costume tan of my life

And loving it

ode to helenjane


Today i felt so grateful to my mother
so i went up to her and hugged her and told her
that she is on of the most beautiful women i have ever set eyes on
and then to specify i told her she has possibly the nicest nose in the world (which is true, unfortunately i didn't get her nose though)

And she told me to check my eyesight (it's still perfect thankfully despite all the time spent doing computer assignments)

But it's true
she is one of the most beautiful women

In the past week she planned a birthday surprise for me and stayed up till half past twelve with me to help me organise my citations for my H3 and bought me bread and honey 
i don't know if i'll ever be such a good mother to my kids

it's like the concept of justice doesn't exist for my mother in a good way
she doesn't see life in realpolitik 
she sees life in real love

skive



On Friday i skipped three whole lessons to finish my lit H3 (or most of it)
and it felt absolutely glorious

exhilarating
I was being bad for a good cause (a sort of robin hood complex i suppose except my lit h3 doesn't exactly help the poor)

i think it's because i always feel like i'm wasting my life away in GP
And life is so precious to me 

i want to do EVERYTHING i can the BEST i can

and so i just might be missing a few more

sorry Ms Neeta