About a month ago I lay on my stomach in the evening light as Jacob massaged my achy lower back.
Now it is November, and I've just come back from the hospital after bad menstrual cramps left me curled up on the ground outside a hotel (long story), and my lower back aches again. Jacob came to the A&E room, concern in his eyes, and knelt on the floor beside my bed (no chairs, because visitors aren't technically allowed at the moment, because we're still in a global pandemic). He read John 14 and prayed over me, and I felt able to keep resting.
On Thursday we spoke about sticking together through joyful times and frustrating times and sad times and ambivalent times - to have and to hold, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do us part. This has been a month where I've been sick - bad knee, bad uterus, and lots of feeling sad and low, and Jacob has been so patient and kind with me and all the unanswered questions.
Anyway - November. My friends in England send me photos of leaves that have fallen and wear jumpers when we call. I miss the world telling me to slow down, although I certainly don't miss the short days and finger-aching cold (memories of singing in pain as I cycled back from track practice with my gloves soaked through). Usually this is a period of reflection on the year gone by, but I'm finding it difficult this year because the whole experience was just so confusing. I find it easier to reflect week by week. This week was good - I felt able to pray honestly and easily, and I felt God listening and showing me his world. Last week as bad - I felt like I was lost and sad, and letting people around me down. How quickly the seasons change. I'm still trying hopeful about next year - I imagine reunions and births and exhibition openings, new jobs, new homes, new intimacy and new books. Like the confused apostle Thomas in John 14, I have no exact idea where Jesus is going and how I am to follow, but I know I am to follow and his way is good (not easy, but good). Will you pray with me? because prayer I believe is a way of carpeting the path forward with trust based in a remembrance of past promises fulfilled.
