a small explosion

i think my prevous post was a little too angsty

My brother just said that the most annoying sound in the world is my voice

I don't think siblings realise how much more hurtful the things they say are
because siblings are generally more important than normal people
like if a school friend said "your face is annoying"
I'd just shrug it off
but if a sibling said that, I'd ponder for at least a minute
About
things
like
"Does she even look at me and see me anymore?"
"What did i do?"

Recently I've been feeling the brunt of sibling (how shall i say this) constructive criticism
I've been told that i'm neglecting the family
that i'm in my own bubble of JC life and friends
thats i'm not helpful
that my voice is annoying
that i'm fat
that i need to exercise
that i'm messy
that maybe one day i'll be in the right place at the right time (meaning i'm never there when i'm supposed to be)

And i just feel like screaming

I'M A 16 YEAR OLD GIRL WHO HAS JUST BEGUN JUNIOR COLLEGE I'M ESTABLISHING WHO I AM IN SCHOOL I'M MAKING FRIENDS SO THAT I WON'T FEEL LONELY FOR 2 YEARS I'M TRYING TO KEEP UP WITH OLD FRIENDS SO I WON'T FEEL GUILTY FOR 2 YEARS I'M TAKING UP 2 CCAS SO THAT I WON'T FEEL LIKE I WASTED ANY CHANCES I'M TRYING NOT TO FALL IN LOVE AND THAT REQUIRES GREAT MENTAL AND PHYSICAL EFFORT I'M HAVING SO MANY FIRSTS THAT I'M CLOSE TO BEING OVERWHELEMED AND I STILL MAKE TIME FOR FAMILY DINNERS AND OF COURSE I STILL LOVE YOU I'M SORRY IF I'M NOT HERE ENOUGH OR HELPFUL ENOUGH OR TUNEFUL ENOUGH OR SKINNY ENOUGH OR FIT ENOUGH OR NEAT ENOUGH OR PRESENT ENOUGH BUT

would you please just give me some space
and let me find myself
and collect my thoughts
and set things straight

and remember that i'm only human

and sometimes humans have landslides inside of themelves that require time to salvage and sort through

My new swear word is "dang"
So when i realised something marvellous
or terrible
or interesting
or annoying
I'll say
"Oh dang"

It used to be
"Oh shoot"
but then shoot is a real word
and so i was afraid people might think i was going to carry on into another sentence
like oh shoot-ing is bad
or something

and so
dang

Not allowed

there are a lot of things we can't do
There are a lot of things we can do
but we aren't allowed to do
because it goes against convention
or because it'll hurt us (but when you think about it, who hasn't been? And i'd rather be hurt and live than live perfectly unhurt and therefore not live)
becasue it'll hurt others
because it'll hurt god
because it'll hurt reputations
which means we can't do them

“All things are lawful,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up-1 Corinthians 10:23

Sometimes i wish everything not allowed was allowed just for a trial, so that all the hurt wouldn't happen, but we could still have a taste of every bit of life

We should

really have reading lessons, where we just get to curl up in great armchairs that smell of pillows and grandfathers, with books of our choice, wearing socks and comfy clothes, with a free flow of hot chocolate, milk, juice or cold water
And we get to lose ourselves for an hour
There will be tissues for those reading tragedys or romances
There will be journals for those reading philosophy
There will be rooms for people to go in and talk about their books, or laugh about their books, or talk about their lives
After all, I'm quite sure one learns just as much from a novel, or even more, than one does when studying the domain, range and equation of a function, or a anatomy of a human body, or the rationale behind our economic markets

paus e

i wonder if during the rapture, when the people on earth are being brought to heaven, if time will temporarily suspend itself, and people will be in limbo for a short while as those called ascend to heaven.
People would be frozen as they kissed, as they jumped, as they cried, as they laughed, as they whispered, as they made love, as theysang, as they dropped things, as they yawned
And when time starts again, the world will no longer be complete because people will be gone
And the world will never be the same because the people have lived through time instead of with it

I wonder why so few people in Singapore wear sunshades even though its so hot here
I wore sunshades a lot in Laos, but since coming back here i think i've only worn my sunshades twice-ish

I solemnly swear to wear sunshades more often to protect my eyes from the glaring sun which is probably going to give me cataracts

I actually care

So right now i've just finished a tirade against my brother about how he should care more about the earth because he was using the backroom air con (Which isn't technically allowed, because it's supposed to be for mum's clients) and used a whole sheet of absolutely pristine and (might i add) new white paper just to write his silly fingerboard stuff, even though i offered him a perfectly good sheet of old paper, (It's only imperfection was an not parallel fold down it's middle but it was still unceremoniously rejected by Tim)
Because i actually care for this earth
Because i want to be able to breathe oxygen in 30 years time and not car exhaust
Because i want to do surrounded by my friends and family and not surrounded by melted polar ice cap water
Because the news that bees are dying worries me
Because flowers are beautiful
Because i know that playing hide and seek among trees beats playing angry birds on an ipad
Because i've seen sunrises and sunsets and i don't want them to be blocked from my sight by smog
Because if you think about it, the earth is a beautiful place
Because even coldplay agrees with me on that one
Because i intend to be able to walk around without having to put on SPF 50 sunscreen because of terrible UV ray sunlight
Because i want my kids and their kids and their kids...to have the privilege of seeing all manner of animals and plants and not think "Oh, Elephants? Yes i think i saw them on that documentary last night"
Because the idea that we live on a planet that dies everyday scares me just as much as the thought that my grandma is really old and is closer to death everyday
Because i actually care for this earth