i chose you

i don't know why i can't get this on the right side but i can't :(

I've been having an awful lot of track recently.

Two weeks ago we had a camp which i went for for half of Monday and Tuesday, and then there was the SPH relay on Sunday.

But I'm not complaining because honestly honestly track has been probably my best choice in ACJC in terms of how ridiculously happy it makes me.

And before season starts (on Wednesday) i wanted to write out why exactly i love it so much, why i stick to it even though i sometimes feel so tired and over stretched

I think primarily its the people. I have never been in a CCA group where love has been given so unreservedly and care is shown to everyone-and there are no ugly lines of hatred or maliciousness among the trackers, they are so genuinely wonderful people. And the best thing is i feel like i can trust them completely, and i feel like any trust they place on me is a privilege rather than a burden (which sometimes is what i feel when others say they trust me) Perhaps most people feel this way or maybe its just me but i think that trust is such a shaky and risky concept, because it requires mutual understanding and a level of equity in the trust given and also unspoken respect because once spoken it hints at a tinge of hesitance and therefore the perfect serenity of  trust is torn. But when i confide in the trackers i feel safe which is a really precious emotion.

The other thing i love best is how crazy i can be with the trackers. Contrary to popular belief, i am no a very perfect person at all and not composed all the time. I do go silly and strange and nutty although only when i am really comfortable with the environment and the people i am with. And with the trackers i can. I can jump around when we're doing our cool down, i can sing off key and laugh at myself, i can have countless astro-turf wars and i can just let go. Letting go is so difficult because it makes you vulnerable. When people see your loose self they have impression, you are no longer their first impression and things change but with the trackers it changed for the better :) And this is something i value intensely because sometimes i feel like i have to keep up behavior and watch my actions in school because there are so many people with so many expectations. And i don't feel uncomfortable doing that because i understand that its important and necessary and its efficient but then track becomes my outlet where i feel more alive. I think much more in the quiet moments when i keep my composure and remain ion my self, but all the thought and the emotion spills out in track and i emerge. Its kind of like how Anne Frank described how she has 'two Anne's'. Not that the crazy Miriam never appears elsewhere-she revels with her class, she rejoices with her church friends and the SCGS gang and some Choir people, but track is also an important place where she emerges. (i think its slightly creepy to be addressing myself in third person but i don't know how else to express it)

I have been so blessed by Becky's infectious joy (i wish i had her picture here :( ), Vanessa's never failing drive, Luk ching's quiet strength, Jane's over whelming love, Christine's deep thought, Ben's constant support, Tsaqif and Gideon's constant humour, Wei en's strangeness, Chun Tat's courtesy and so many more that i can't always put in words but that i care for deeply as well.

And as season approaches, i can't wait to run with the people that make me so incredibly happy, and to hug them when its all over, because i feel like i win every race when i'm with them.

Good to me

Romans 8:28

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been 

called according to his purpose."

Shelled

This week was tough
I admit

I left Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday's papers (Economics, History and Literature) with so much doubt over not only my ability but also whether my teachers would be left hurt over the inordinate and (now proven) unjustified amount of trust and hope they'd placed on me.

Then there was the surprise of math which i thought i would fail completely and utterly
but in fact i felt like i managed the paper alright, and i could actually pass!

But then again as i've experienced my hopes and expectations are so often false and betraying

So i am left hoping and waiting (why do i have this endless supply of hope i hope and i hope when will i stop why should i stop)

Before i go

2 conversations i really liked

1)

"Have you ever freezed before?
Like,
You end up not going up to someone
But you keep deliberating it"

"Yeahhhhh
Yeah i actually do that a lot"

"Ah the feeling sucks..I think i need to work on my social skills"

"Yeah me to :/
The worst bit is when you have so much to say
But then you don't say it
Because you feel like you'd say too much"

"Yeah i get you :/"

2)

"I actually don't like it when people ask if I'm okay...I don't like people thinking I'm not okay, you know?"

Goodbye for a while

there's so much more to life

Baking weekend

I baked brownies an blueberry muffins and pancakes (more like fried pancakes but still) over this weekend 

terms are in a week

i have no math, econs, history, lit and gp notes ready yet

what are vectors

butter and sugar taste heavenly together and buttermilk is my new favourite baking ingredient and lemon zest should be a perfume scent

I AM THE CHAMPION OF THE WORLD

dejavu

Yesterday

i spent 2 hours walking around bugis because i had no phone

Today timmy got lost in bugis and the network between his phone and ours wasn't working properly

And so he ate alone while me toby nic james and christopher thought he was with my mum and she thought he was with us.

i think us Yeo kids must have a strange propensity for lostness in bugis

Look at me I'm crying

I love this article by the New York times

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/04/20/look-at-me-im-crying/?_php=true&_type=blogs&_r=1

I tend to not cry in public actually

because you know that in Singapore (o loveless public) it's highly unlikely that anyone will stop and why waste your tears on people who don't care

So i often cry alone in public, in deserted bus stops or pay phones or the lobbies of HDBs or the cool small cubicles of public toilets

I make it sound like i cry in public a lot

which isn't true

except i have been having an exceptionally bad term and so far I've consistently cried in public once a week every week since orientation (my shameful secret)

In public but all alone

and the worst friend award goes to...

So today was wan chia's birthday and i was supposed to go for a birthday dinner

and i purposely thought ok since i don't have a competition today

or caregroup

or choir

or an essay due by 1159

i'll go

because to be honest i miss my secondary school bunch a whole lot

but

i left my phone at home

and spent 2 hours walking around Bugis looking into every street shop near Beach road

but i couldn't find them

so i gave up and went home and realised i didn't have my keys and sat outside and cried for a bit and then breathed into my jacket and calmed down and waited