Monday, October 31, 2016

27-28/10/2016


On Thurday, I met Tim, Will, Neil, Emma and Kerry for vegan dinner, where I tried vegan mozzarella made of rice, laughed over Tim's tendency to spill things, listened again to Neil's story about how he, Tim and Will slept in Nigel's garden, and listened to a jazz band and poetry reading in the Downing Bar. I am now enraptured by the jazz song 'Misty' (Johnny Mathis, 1959)

On Friday, I thought my greatest discovery was going to be the fact that there is a place in Germany called Worms. But it turned out to be the discovery that you can pin large pieces of blue cloth to the ceiling of the coach house, as Alex and I did when we begun decorating it for our Neverland party tomorrow.

When we came out, I peered at the turned off light on the outside of the building, trying to see a switch so we could potentially turn it on for people who wanted to chat outside during the party. Suddenly, the light swung round and looked at us. Oh my we both skittered away, 'my tummy constricted' Alex said. A premature scare for a Halloween party.

30/10/2016



This morning I cycled to church and saw the moon, a pale white disk, behind the fog's curtain over castle hill.

Barely 5 minutes later I saw the sun through the mist over King's Parade. To see the sun and moon in the space of 5 minutes is a miracle, I think.

That sun is now setting at 4.34pm, and I am reminded of why I loathe winter.

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Four-ish things on running


1. The Iron Nun completely puts me to shame - 86 years old and doing triathlons. I'm going to remember her words when I run: 'One step at a time makes a marathon.' Amen.

2. I just ordered a pair of these leggings. Made under ethical conditions, fairtrade, each pair is made from 25 old plastic bottles (hooray for amazing upcycling!) and for the price of just shipping - count me in!

3. This video is lovely, and begins to express how many strange thoughts come into my head when I run.

4. I love love runner-writer-film-maker Alexi Pappas - read an interview she did here. (Also how does she run in a bun?! Gravity-defying)

4ish. I've been alternating between my old vomero 9 shoes and these new vomero 10 shoes, and it's funny what a difference shoes can make! The new ones are much lighter, and while occasionally my feet get sore in the 9s, that hasn't happened as yet in the 10s. I'm going to keep alternating, to save enough mileage in these ones for the actual half-marathon. (Yes! It's official! March 2017 here I come!)


4 ish-ish. My favourite running blog right now is rachaeldee.tumblr.com - she's a marathon runner and her positive inspiration and beautiful trail pictures just make me want to push myself and get outside!

4 ish-ish-ish. I ran this morning, through a very foggy Cambridge. I started off with Becky (we run Tuesday and Sunday mornings together) a warm up jog for about 6 km, then she finished but I kept on, speeding up a little to a cruising speed till I got to the Girton playground (my new secret discovery!) before I turned back, and sped up for the last couple of kilometers. My longest run yet!!!! And longest sustained timing/no breaks!!! Sundays have become my long-slow-sustained days, and I look forward to every Sunday, because since I got slow I have the reserve to go further, and breaking distance is just so fulfilling!!! I hope to break the 17km mark by the end of term.

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Burgers and a healthy dose of thankfulness



On Sunday night I made black bean burgers, and ate them on Monday, the same dinner as last Monday when I sat round the table in Neil's kitchen with a group of friends, discussing environmental issues.

Before that we'd had our JustLove meeting, during which Neil made the burger mixture, and all of us burst out laughing when he turned round to make a point, but none of us could take him seriously because he was holding a black bean patty in one hand.

Although it takes up a fair share of time, I am ever so thankful for JustLove. The people are kind, the purpose is Jesus, and the overflow is love and justice. And some very good burgers. Sandwiched between a seeded bap, with ketchup on one side, smashed avocado on the other, and topped with lettuce and tomato (cucumber would be great too I think!) it's the best veggie burger I've made since I experimented with the okara leftover from Mum's soymilk making.

The recipe is adapted from this one, since I didn't have all the ingredients:

1 can black beans, rinsed and drained
1/2 onion, minced
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 carrots, shredded
1/4 cup quick oats
A couple shakes of soy sauce
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp cajun spice
Salt and pepper to taste

Instructions:
Combine onions, garlic, salt, and pepper and cook until onions are translucent.

Add carrots and spices and cook until carrots are tender.

Remove pan from heat.

In a bowl, mash the beans and then add the contents of the pan along with the soy sauce and quick oats.

Mix and form four patties. Place in freezer for 30 minutes to set. (I put them in a fridge over night and fried them the next day)

Fry patties over medium heat, flipping halfway.

Quick memory, weather and soft skin



I woke up at 5.47am this morning, feeling fresh but soaked in sweat. I don't know if it was my heater or a dream or just physiology but I went back to sleep.

The weather was 'FOG' this morning but I went running anyway, realising as I went that I need to get a headband or one of these days my ears are definitely going to fall off. In other words it was cold, and I took it easy.

I remember last week after leaving early from bible study on Friday (although it was late, 10.30pm) I looked up at the stars in the middle of the John's courtyard and they shone so bright, and I wanted so badly to tell someone 'it's a clear night! perfect for stargazing!' but I was loathe to peel off my gloves.

I'm obsessed with the sounds and the poetry (visual/verbal) of this short.

Monday, October 24, 2016

Four things about dancing


1. I went for an Ashtanga class yesterday with Andrea, which started off very fast, but as I got into the rhythm of stretching, bending, upward dog, downward dog, and always always the dance of breath and body, my mind settled.

'Great length,' and I sighed with my eyes closed and sunk deeper into the vinyasa.

2. A New York Crosswalk is transformed into a ballroom dance floor.

3. The afterlife of a ballerina.

4. J.T and Robert's dances on So You Think You Can Dance have completely captured my heart.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Tithing my time

(Un-thought-through post of something on my mind/something I need advice about)

Before JustLove's launch I was so anxious. I had to give a speech about Personal Stream, I needed to I wasn't very sure where the Church was (and I did initially end up going to a Catholic church instead of St Andrews Street Baptist Church) and  I had lots on my mind.

At the Launch, after all was over, food was set up, the talk was filmed, I'd said my bit, I had some time to talk to the people who had come. My last conversation was with Stephen. I asked him how he was doing, and his eyes crinkled into a smile and he told me, 'I've just been realising more and more how good God is, how kind God is.'

Such simple words, like the feeling I got in Pua, and I realised how much I wanted that. His face just radiated joy, when he talked about how he was finally beginning to understand how, despite the fact that many things like worship and church and leading prayer mornings were good, they were rubbish, completely and utterly, compared to the fullness of knowing Jesus Christ. He told me that he's heard God telling him quite clearly to let go of some commitments he had, such as leading his college's christian group, because it had become about himself and his pride. Instead, he spent 2 hours and 24 minutes a day with God, alone, reading his bible and praying.

I wanted that so badly.

This term has been a lot more intense that the last. On top of the weekly essay we did last term, we have more reading, translation work, more practical criticism work and dissertation work too. Because medieval literature is something I feel unfamiliar with (it really is a whole different world) I feel compelled to go to as many lectures as I feel are relevant, which means sometimes 3 a day, and then Just Love meetings, thursday prayer meetings, bible study writing, dissertation supervisions, essay supervisions, making sure I have food, Just Lunch, runs, theatre performances, social events, church and Focus bible studies....

Quite a large amount of my time is taken up doing 'corporate' christian things (church/para church) and because I also want to claim my life in other things I enjoy doing/feel responsible for (bad thing?human thing?) I find myself with little or no time each day to sit at Jesus feet alone and spend time with Him. Yesterday I tried to pray, and it reminded me of what happened when I arranged to have lunch with someone I don't know very well and I ended up using the wall decoration as a conversation starter.

I suppose I'm trying so hard this term, to keep afloat and to manage and to achieve. But something in me is telling me to let go of some things. Alex dropped out of one of her theatre performances yesterday, and used the spare rehearsal time to go to an art session in the coach house, where she made a painting of Virginia Woolf in blue.

What do I actually really want? 

- I want to have time to read my bible without the niggling thought of what I need to do next in my mind.

- I want to be able to greet Jesus like a close friend in prayer.

- I want to continue with JustLove, because I feel God there, I have community there, and my heart is constantly challenged to love and care and give more. It isn't always easy, and after yesterday's talk on sexual abuse I had very heavy boots, but it is something I am invested in and something I know has real meaning.

- I want more time to do a bloody good job on my dissertation, which is about mental illness in modernist literature and I really want it to be well-researched and written sensitively.

- I want to continue running regularly, because I feel so much joy and freedom (and also tiredness and good sorts of aches) when I do. A couple of days ago I discovered a adventure course/playground with rope swings and leap frog poles and balance beams that I really want to go to. On one run I saw the most gorgeous double rainbow.

- I want to have time to do spontaneous, miscellaneous things. One of my resolutions for this term was to be more spontaneous, but that's hard when you are constantly wrapped up in other things.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

15/10/2016 - Pumpkin Brownies and a Ceilidh



I was in Sainsburys last Sunday, and was just picking up a big bag of muesli when I heard a voice ask a Sainsburys assistant - 'Do you have pumpkin puree?'

He stopped his stacking momentarily, looked confused (pumpkin puree? what is that american invention?) and said, 'No'

'Lies,' I thought - I'd just picked up a can yesterday. But who was I, a stranger, to talk to another stranger, in a supermarket?

So I walked round to the cans of pumpkin puree at the end of the next aisle, picked one up, and speedily walked back to the girl who had asked for it. 'Here you go,' I said, and gave it to her, and went back to the museli.

Barely a minute later, I heard another voice ask the same Sainsburys assistant - 'Do you have pumpkin puree?'

And received the same answer. I must have not done that first round right, and so I changed my approach for this pumpkin-puree seeker. I went up and actually talked to a stranger - 'I couldn't help overhearing you were looking for pumpkin puree. I know where it is.'

I swear, the other people in the aisle must have thought by then that pumpkin puree was some sort of secret code.

But I brought the seeker to the pumpkin puree and then sped off, before I could be helpful to anyone else.

Anyway. The reason I knew where the pumpkin puree was was because I'd bought some myself. And what did I do with it? I made brownies, of course.

Chocolate Pumpkin-Pie Brownies
adapted from Chocolate Covered Katie

1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1 cup spelt flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
2 salt shaker grinds of salt
1 1/3 cup coconut sugar
1 cup pumpkin puree
6 tbsp almond oil (or vegetable/coconut oil)
4 tbsp almond or other plant milk
A handful of chopped dark chocolate

Whisk the dry ingredients together first, then add in the pumpkin, oil and plantmilk and chopped chocolate and stir till combined.

Bake in a preheated oven at 170 degrees for 23 minutes  for a fudgey brownie, and leave them in longer if you don't want them quite so moist.

Speaking of moist, in practical criticism class we did this poem by Thom Gunn, which brought to mind the word moist - a warm, wetness, with a sense of disgust and uncomfortablenss but also a strange attraction. Here's part of the poem:

You are a mound
of bedclothes, where the cat
in sleep braces
its paws against your
calf through the blankets,
and kneads each paw in turn.

Meanwhile and slowly
I feel a is it
my own warmth surfacing or
the ferment of your whole
body that in darkness beneath
the cover is stealing
bit by bit to break
down that chill.

'The ferment of you whole/body [...] beneath/the cover' I'm not sure if I've heard better words to describe the strange and comforting warm smelliness of a sleeping self.

The brownies where for Neil's 21st Birthday Ceilidh, which was the most wonderful end to the week. Stamping feet, clapping hands, whirling around with a partner and lots and lots of laughter and bumping into people. With my last dance partner, he first bumped the boy beside us with his shoulder and then I bashed into that same poor boy again when we were whirling, but there were no hard feelings - it's impossible to be angry or stressed or tired when you're at a ceilidh.

All the brownies were eaten apart from one little corner piece which my last dance partner had so I didn't have to carry it home - but because not all could fit in my lunch box I actually have 5 more little pieces sitting in my room. Oh my happy days.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

12/10/2016


I woke up today with pancakes on my brain. Perhaps because Nat had posted two pancake recipes in a row, and I had made a mixture of spelt flour, baking powder and sugar last week, ready for add-ins and frying.

Pancake recipe:

1 cup spelt flour (or any flour, but I love the nuttiness of spelt)
2 tsp baking powder (I might experiment with a little more next time)
2 tbsp sugar
zest of one lemon
zest of a quarter of an orange

mixed together

juice of half an orange
juice of half a lemon
2 tbsp chia seeds + 6 tbsp water
1 cup almond milk

added in

Fried in almond oil.

Eaten with chocolate sauce, lemon juice, and fresh fruit - oddly, despite never being a jaffa cake sort of person, the combination of chocolate and orange with this slight nuttiness of the pancake something made sense.

I had two good lectures, JustLunch, and then walked back to college with Lizzy, talking about doing solo things with confidence and mental illness and medication.

As I was locking up my bicycle the lines 'You are ugly and you are fat' fell like damning hailstones in my mind. I don't know where inside of me they came from but they sort of punched me in the belly as and left me feeling spread out and sad. And I feel embarrassed admitting thoughts like that because I try hard to love myself, and stay positive, and champion self -acceptance but there are days where I don't feel it. Important honesty moment. Also nasty thought which I am working on reasoning and praying away. If you would pray with me.

Then there were moments of thought and procrastination before a crescendo of essay writing - first one in, feeling of exhaustion and delirium which meant a cup of lemon and ginger tea with Alex in the kitchen, listening to Dreams by Fleetwood Mac and then deciding to go for a spontaneous walk down the hill and back again.

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Four things about empowerment




1. How this blind girls' friends/family helped her see colour.

2. This cute gif:


3. At JustLove's Launch yesterday we announced the Unashamed campaign, a partnership between JustLove and Restored, where Christians take a firm stance in fighting violence against women. I'm so excited for this! It's something I think the church needs desperately (as part of a need for more christian conversation on gender issues in general) and I'm so ready to learn and grow and stand for this cause.

4. It's so important to remember that empowerment needs to happen to every person in society, not just those who can afford it - the quest for the empowerment of self does not give the license to exploit others. Read this article, on the new H&M campaign.

... feminism isn’t a trend to be enjoyed for autumn 2016, nor is it a privilege that is only supposed to be accessible to women who can afford to shop. It’s a longstanding commitment to equality in both the developed and developing world...

5. BONUS THING


Tuesday, October 4, 2016

1/10/2016


As Auntie Sarah and I drove to Pinford End, the puddles along the path were bright mirrors, cunning holes into another sky. Grandma was sitting in an arm chair when we came in, turned toward the window and the garden outside.

We'd brought along a record player, and listened to the first movement of Mendelssohn's violin concerto in E, and Grandma closed her eyes in pleasure and waved her hands, conducting her own concerto.


We also listened to Marilyn Baker, and some Mozart, and watched the sunlight on the clouds.

Before we left, Grandma and I both exhibited just how high we could lift our legs - Grandma always lifts her leg right up in the air at night to rub cream all over it (Mum and Hannah inherited Grandma's beautiful legs, and I got Dad's, but perhaps I inherited some of Grandma's flexibility).


Leaving 2.0


It's funny how three months compresses itself to a period of time you feel you could fit into the shell of a hazelnut, and after what I thought would be weeks and weeks, I found the feeling of leaving sweeping over me like the break of a wave, as I sat under a sunset sky in Desaru.

“And in this he showed me a little thing, the quantity of a hazelnut, lying in the palm of my hand, as it seemed. And it was as round as any ball. I looked upon it with the eye of my understanding, and thought, ‘What may this be?’ And it was answered generally thus, ‘It is all that is made.’ I marveled how it might last, for I thought it might suddenly have fallen to nothing for littleness. And I was answered in my understanding: It lasts and ever shall, for God loves it. And so have all things their beginning by the love of God.

In this little thing I saw three properties. The first is that God made it. The second that God loves it. And the third, that God keeps it.”

― Julian of Norwich, Revelations of Divine Love

Wave ebbs, curtain draws back, second year.

Hearing aids

Credit

Exhibit A:

Auntie Sarah [quoting Eugenne Peterson]: The heart well-stocked with God’s word is like a well-armed arsenal

Grandma: Wear socks with God's word?

Exhibit B:

Ear doctor [in the process of prescription]: ...warm olive oil...

Grandma: War memorial???!?

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Pua Mission Trip (Sept 2016)

 

There’s a song I love, by United Pursuit, called Simple Gospel. The gospel of Jesus Christ that I believe in is really quite simple (if you could describe love as simple, which is a whole other question) because it is that Jesus loves us incredibly  and wonderfully that He would die so we could be with Him in heaven for eternity, and now He wants us to love Him back in our thoughts, words and deeds.

I went for my first mission trip in September, to Pua (Thailand) to teach English to children in Kathy’s Home. Kathy’s home is where children from the villages surrounding Pua can stay in order to attend the schools in Pua. Their villages being between 45 minutes to 2.5 hours drive away from Pua, staying free-of-charge in Pua ensures that they can receive a consistent education. Mak and Narola are the missionaries who run the home, together with two temporary missionaries from their hometown in Nagaland (India) and their daughter, Phoebe. I was so inspired by the trust Mak and Narola had for God - despite the need for house parents for the children, they've been continuing to trust and pray that God will provide. And the temporary missionaries and Phoebe being there are answers to prayer for the moment, but we'll keep praying.

It look a while to get there – a flight to Bangkok and then a change of flight to Nan, and then a long taxi ride to Pua, and then a ride in the back of Mak’s Song Tao to Kathy’s home. When we got there, it was already night, but it was time for our first lesson. Auntie Yah Wu and I were teaching the group of children who had just come from the villages to Kathy’s Home, and who struggled most with their English. They ranged from the youngest in the Home, aeroplane-loving Krittanai (also called Mochi), to fourteen year old Jeerasin. They called me Pi Miriam, which meant teacher Miriam, and we revised phonics with them, which they’d learnt previously with Auntie Yah Wu.

I was so tired from travelling and teaching, that I slept easily, waking up at 6am to go for a walk around the nearby lake with Auntie Yah Wu, who told me the story of how she met Uncle William, and advised me not to be in a rush to get married – ‘courtship days are the best days of your life, you don’t want to get married too soon’.

Our first lesson of the day involved teaching numbers and how to tell the time to the children, which we practiced with a game of ‘What’s the Time Mr Wolf?’ The children took big steps at first, excited by the game, but when they realized that the point of the game was running away from the ‘wolf’ they were taking steps towards, their steps turned into shuffles and little tiptoes, and they giggled and were easily scared into running backwards, before sheepishly stepping back forward to their places.
After that lesson, I fell asleep in a room in Mak and Nerola’s office and living space, under the slow rotation of the fan and a blanket of heat. Our next lesson saw us splitting the class into girls and boys – I taught the girls:

Malee, the cleverest in the class, competitive and keen to learn

Jumpee, one of the slower girls, who often drifted away in dreams

Saifon, who always clasped her mouth after giving an answer, afraid it was wrong, although she was usually right

Siriwan, shy and timid, and afraid to ask about what she didn’t understand, which was most of what was taught

Namtip, clever and inquisitive, who beamed at me during class and said ‘Pi Miriam so cute!’

Auntie Yahwu and I visited the market after that class, where she showed me the incredibly spicy chillis the people of Pua like to use in their cooking, and tiny green eggplant,

During worship on Sunday, the children started off singing in their Hmong dialect, in tunes that I wasn’t familiar with. But it was incredibly uplifting to hear their earnest nature in singing praises to the Lord. The English songs we had later had simple but meaningful words like ‘open the eyes of my heart Lord, I want to see you’.

And maybe it was then that I realised that even though we can't speak their language and they can't yet speak ours fluently yet, the gospel can be shared (us to them, them to us) in other, simple, ways. In the discipline through which Auntie Yah Wu handles a class, in the time Uncle Kim Song uses to prepare each lesson, in the photographs Uncle Siew Kim takes of each student - in the many ways they show practical love to the students, the love that Jesus commands for us to show to our brothers and sisters,

Four things about death

Auntie Brenda and Grandma at her Dad's funeral

1. What dying feels like - quite science-y and oddly comforting

“It’s like a storm coming in,” Hallenbeck says. “The waves started coming up. But you can never say, well, when did the waves start coming up? … The waves get higher and higher, and eventually, they carry the person out to sea.”

2. A mushroom suit instead of a coffin? The infinity burial project uses mushrooms to decompose bodies. (Here is a longer video of the original TED talk explaining the infinity burial project)

3. This essay by the late Paul Kalanithi (author of the New York Times bestseller 'When Breath Becomes Air') on time and meaning.

4. While I was watching some old videos of the time when my grandma and late grandad were in Singapore, I heard my grandad speak (he was not in the camera shot, but his voice could still be heard) and felt so strange - I hadn't remembered his voice, and there it was, reaching out over death.