Saturday, December 6, 2014

Stolen Moment




It was sweltering hot and everyone was running around and being absolutely ridiculously athletic (while there I was with my eyes closed trying to catch the darned frisbee)

Then we moved on to soccer, and then captain's ball.

As I stood on the chair as the captain, there was this brief moment where the shouts and heavy breathing and sounds of fervent running stilled, and there was this potent silence-the kind you get when you lie under the blankets at night, when the air is heavy and full of promise but sound is just absent.

Then someone caught the ball and everything resumed.

One




Like Theodore Roosevelt said,

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."

People sometimes ask me,

"Why are you vegetarian when it makes no difference to the meat industry?"

I think the words of one of my favourite bloggers conveys what i want to convey 

"A small change is still significant, and so much better than no change at all. What if I said I believed in environmentalism, but felt my actions would be too insignificant or unrewarded so decided to just leave my water running all the time? Or if I thought “well yeah, bigotry, sexism and racism suck, but that’s just the way things have always been, so I’m going to perpetuate and contribute to them because there’s no point trying to make a difference.” Just because social change seems difficult, a long way off perfecting, or even an isolated battle, does not mean you should abandon your beliefs and contribute to the problem. The main issue with this pattern of thought is that EVERYBODY (or many people) seems to cling to it. They reason “I want the world to be different but I’m just one small person, what impact could I have on my own?” But imagine if everybody who had that thought, stood up or what they believed in. We’d all be standing together. I’m not pointing fingers here, I used to feel the same way - powerless. It wasn’t until doing more research for myself, strengthening my beliefs and understanding how important it is for our whole planet to make a shift to living this way that things really clicked.
Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you dare in harmony.
– Mohandas Gandhi

...

"What if you worked at educating others about animal cruelty, pacifism, drugs or whatever your concern is, and each year just one other person accepted your philosophy? What if that person did likewise? And so on. After six years 32 would have adopted your philosophy. Another six years and the number would have passed 2000, or if we halve that to allow for those who lose commitment or die, 1000, all coming from what you started a decade or so earlier. That’s quite a difference!"

...

All it takes is one person.

One spark to ignite the flame.

Sixty years ago, maybe it seemed like not enough people believed in equality for people of colour for them to ever get the vote or be treated as humans. Then, in ‘55 and ‘63, Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King Jr. each stood up and fought for what they knew was right. At the time, they would have felt small, part of a minority, and fearful that no change would come, but they spoke up anyway, and inspired others in the process. The same goes for Ghandi, Nelson Mandela, Jane Goodall and Malala Yousafzai.

...

"Dietary changes could therefore not only create substantial benefits for human health and global land use, but can also play an important role in future climate change mitigation policies." 

I’m not sure if you’re aware of the process of supply and demand, but it’s a pretty key one in this argument. Animal agribusiness does not exist on its own, it exists because consumers continue to pay for it. In purchasing meat/eggs/dairy/fur etc, you are directly supporting that industry not only morally, but financially. We vote with our dollar, so it either goes in favour of a product or against.


...

The demand (i.e. how many people want to purchase the product) directly influences the supply (i.e. how much of that product is made). On a smaller scale - look at your home life. Were you to stop eating animal products, your family would subsequently buy less. If you went to your auntie’s house, she might prepare one less meat dish. Similarly, visiting vegetarian and vegan eateries financially supports their organisations and allows them to further their ethical business. On a larger scale, look at your weekly shopping. Say your local grocer orders a certain amount of eggs each week. If you and a few other people decide you no longer want to support/purchase them, their demand decreases. There will come a point where the buying and re-selling of those eggs is no longer profitable as they are left with a surplus of unsold eggs, so they will order less in the future. There is then less demand to produce a certain amount (even if only on a small scale), and it works all the way back up to the factory farms and slaughterhouses. 

...

Each of your consumer choices is a vote for the kind of world you want to see. Each of your choices in the past helped build the world of today, and each of your choices from this moment forward will help build the world of tomorrow.

The question is not “can you make a difference?” You already do, it’s just a matter of what kind."

Right now, since I can be vegetarian without causing too much trouble to my mother and family and my own health, I choose to be, because, quite simply, I believe I should and can.




Friday, December 5, 2014

Moments this week




1. Walking in Holland Village with Luk Ching and trying desperately to dodge the dodgy sales people

Them: "Hi are you interested in affordable and good quality food?"

Me: "(panicked voice) No!!!!!"

2. Baking another Banana Chocolate Chip Wholemeal loaf and eating all the delicious half soft half crunchy bits stuck to the loaf tin for breakfast

3. Sitting round the lounge during fellowship, singing when trials come and seeing Annie, earnest and honest and completely focused upon God

4. The first bite of hazelnut ice cream, and then sharing a scoop of tiramisu and a scoop of hazelnut with Bramina by actually halving our respective scoops and transferring them from ice cream cup to ice cream cup

5. Sitting in a circle softly singing the scientist on the ledge of a bridge, in the cool night air, with the words "He looked so so happy" lingering in my ears


Saturday, November 29, 2014

Thursday, October 2, 2014

poems



I do occasionally write poetry, mostly on slips of paper in class when i am frustrated with how slow things are going or how stupid i am in grasping this or that. Once I had a very productive poetry session in a cafe when i had locked myself out of home and had nothing but a napkin to write on.

Here are two that i found in my planner, forgotten and written in April

They were both on a slip of paper, which i had 'titled' "such a beautiful mind, such frightening actions"

We are wide awake at night
Perfect silence thought in flight
Pure escape from suffocation
Humans become a solitary nation

(I wrote this when i saw every one falling asleep in class one day...I still remember distinctly how sleeping beauty-esque the classroom became and how i felt like i was the only one awake)

(I cut out the first bit of the next poem because it is an angry, proud line which isn't nice to write here)

I do get angry/proud so i shall include the first bit. I think it began as a crude sort of rant and progressed into something a little more poetic.

I have such disdain for humanities messes and petty quarrels,
it's hatred and bitter,bitter love.

The rifts, the chasms the wounds that rip
open flesh and pull out our pathetic
beating hearts-clinging on to vestiges of life for reasons they know not.

Hearts that would rather be still and
relinquish the threads that tie us to earth

Shoot upward, atmosphere cutting away others and you I have only self.
Cold, naked, spinning in space.
Perfectly weightless, all is in place.


Wednesday, October 1, 2014

body bits





The other night Emily and I were having a conversation over which part of our bodies were our favorite (degrading metonymy perhaps but i think euphemistically its better to call it self reflection and body appreciation because honestly i like talking about bodies. ok now i just sound slightly manical.)

Hers was her gorgeous gorgeous hair (Which by the way I think is GORGEOUS i wish I had thick wavy hair too) and her eye lashes. 

Mine was the crease my shoulders make when I raise my arms, and my ears (once in secondary school a girl said she loved my ears and wanted to draw them which reminded me of just how much I like them too. Perhaps that's why i touch them so much when I'm nervous)

Anyway, After seeing someone shaming another person for her body this week, I needed to write this as a way of reminding myself and readers that BODY SHAMING IS NOT OK and BODY LOVING IS NOT PRIDE OR VANITY it is HEALTHY. I shall try to be unabashedly proud of my body, although in its entirety there are bits i struggle with loving but i'll start with the small parts. And hopefully you'll look at your body too and see how weirdly wonderful your eyebrows are or marvel at the intricate delicacy of your wrist veins or think how graceful the slope of your back is.


God sees nothing but beauty in you.
-Kate Wicker







I feel like the wind has given up on breathing.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

cycling




(Dear Toby, for the sake of writing I'll refer to you in third person because first person seems unreal.)


Saturday cycling with Toby was rejuvenating. I loved cycling behind him and listening to snatches of his descriptions of officer life and things he's learned. I especially loved the look on the faces of passers-by before they realised he wasn't talking to them he was talking to 1 metre behind me.

And the hill next to MOE was the best thing my suspension-less bike whizzed down it like a swimmer's breath after breaking the surface.

We got safely to Holland Village's Da Paolo and went in to get banana and toffee tart which lauded by the woman in front of us

and I quote

"That Tart Is Amazing!"

Conversation specifics i shall not disclose but I did feel relieved talking about PEOPLE and how perhaps we all are secretly mercenary and how process is always, always important.

Cycling back we went through the Koufu at commonwealth MRT which i haven;t cycled from since Reshem bought an ice kachang there and i watched him eat it since I don't like ice kachang.

Then we cycled round the neighbourhood and i silently marvelled at how lucky I am to live here and to have friends that spend their time with me.



Sunday, September 21, 2014

sunday afternoons



The kids downstairs are singing

NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANTS INGONYAAAAAAAMAAAAAA BAGITHI BABAAAAAA

And my mum and I are rolling around on the bed trying to do ab exercises, pencil rolls and glute exercises


This week was slightly hellish

On top of my own existentialist musings about the validity of my religion, I had UCAS and COPA submissions and a Lit H3 to complete and hand in.

And I think the COPA application especially just made me feel wholly inadequate, unintelligent, ugly and small.

Who am I, I thought, To even try to enter Cambridge?

I struggled to explain my love for literature (When you are so used to loving something its hard to put into words why sometimes), and to explain my choice of Cambridge (wanting to live near my grandma while receiving a first class education and being overseas seemed rather childish suddenly), and my awkward smile and blemished face in the application photo just made me feel ugly (hence me attacking it with the windows photo editor thingy-erasing this erasing that and finally constructing a better me on screen while the off screen me still has scars and eye bags and discolorations and lumps and bumps)

Thankfully, everything began falling into place by the end of the week.

After editing my personal statement with Mum's help (my punctuation sigh), it got the green light (and well wishes) from Mrs Creffield which made me feel a lot safer, and then i finished my lit H3 but best of all my mum read through it and told me it was amazing, and so i printed 5 copies (excessive, you may think, but mum wanted to send grandma a copy aside from the one i was submitting, the one i was keeping for myself and the one i was saving for a possible interview with Cambridge or any other university)

On Friday night i had ballet and saw Emily again and laughed as usual (I am never forgetting your pronunciation of coupe EVER Miss Posh)

And this morning as I just lay in bed I looked out on the balcony and saw the 'komoreibi' (when sunlight filters through the trees) and marvelled at my creator God

And now I am going to bake a lemon drizzle cake 

in my head



Two nights ago I was trying to finish up my math homework and because its math hard, i stayed up till about 1 finishing as much as i could.

Those who know me will probably know that after 11.30, my brain completely shuts down.

And so it goes:

I would write a few equations and solve a few things (Or not) when suddenly into my head would pop things like:

An american voice saying "I'm just gonna check on the buttercream fra-aw-wsting"

(Context: I'd spent a large part of the afternoon watching cupcake wars)

Or my yellow polka dotted mug would morph into a red and white checkered mug with Simba printed on it (The mug of my childhood which broke my heart when it broke)

Or my foolscap paper would look like a receipt

Also last night I had an odd dream that i was in charge of a beautiful baby (child-dreams...no Jane Eyre references please)

It's a rather good thing i think that i took time off today to sleep in because i think fatigue was making me go slightly mad

Jane's Baptism



Yesterday evening I went over to St John's St Margaret's for Jane's baptism. I was so excited because honestly Jane has always been an inspiration to me in terms of how closely she walks with God and how gentle she is to the people around her.

So the service began with music and worship. The music was so loud i couldn't hear myself sing, which I liked because often even when I'm singing I feel conscious about my voice and how it sounds and i can't focus on worshipping 100% but it was a lot easier when i wasn't a voice anymore i was just part of a huge chorus.

They sang Mighty to save which has such meaningful words, words which spoke deeply to me in the second verse (So take me as you find me/ All my fears and failures/ Fill my life again) and also This is our God which was the youth camp 2013 song and it was nice to sing it again

The pastor spoke about the prodigal son and then they had a dance item and then THE BAPTISM!!!!

It was very different from our baptisms where you give your testimony first, because they had a whole throng of people getting baptised, and so there wasn't time, but the most beautiful part was after their baptism, when they all stood on stage and the congregation all prayed for them, and then everyone sang Oh! Happy Day! while they walked down the aisle and out of the sanctuary. It was so communal and symbolic and heartwarming, so celebratory.

I read Jane's testimony this morning, and i was so glad to know better her journey to baptism. Everyone has such a different road but I'm glad we all walk it all the same (Which reminds me of something i read this morning, about how the road may be difficult, but it's God that holds the map and lights the path, and therefore we know the pleasure of its destination)


Wednesday, September 10, 2014



It is incredible how creative-with-words one becomes when the word limit for your H3 is 3500 and you've written 4200 and you think its perfect

WORD



Kahlil Gibran

I wash my hands of those who imagine chattering to be knowledge, silence to be ignorance, and affection to be art.

Knowing when to say nothing often cleverer than saying nothing of consequence. I recently whatsapped Ellis about how i was surrounded by meaningless conversation (Irony: i was drowning in a sea of shallowness), and love so free i was afraid it had lost it intention and meaning.

After that i had one of the best conversations of the term.

But.

Sometimes i get very uncomfortable with the overwhelming affection i see around me. In AC there is a HUGE hugging culture. People hug after missing each other for one lesson, or two or three. And i can't help but think about people in Korea who long to hug their loved ones but are separated by the 38th parallel, or those in Gaza, who hug and wish they really never had to let go because separation means the possibility of dying apart. How can we claim our affection is justified when our separation is so trivial?

Then again.

The people in Korea probably wished they had hugged more when they were together. The Gazans too probably wish in each hug time would stand still. Perhaps affection is justified when we never know when it will be impeded.

All the same.

I feel that the hugging habit has become just that-habit. It has become a greeting just like Hi. Skin to skin contact isn't so electrifying anymore, it is everyday.

And then.

I have come to appreciate this girl in my class so much. She's called Sze hui and she's incredibly quiet. And i love spending time with her because we don't have to talk and i can feel safe in the knowledge that i will not be jolted out of my thoughts or my day dreams to (dare i say it/Stevens) banter.

At the same time.

Deep conversations with people like Ellis and Emily and Luk Ching still enthrall me.

It is 12.17 i.e incoherence time i.e this post has been but a mangled mess of WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY

perhaps i should just not have said anything: Knowing when to say nothing often cleverer than saying nothing of consequence.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

lunch



Stuff to pack in lunchboxes

Mini hamburger patties (http://vegetarian.about.com/od/veggieburgerrecipes/tp/bestburgers.htm)Bean, veggies and cheese quesadillaMini bagel with cream cheese (I can bake bagels!)
Pasta with tomato sauce and veggies (try smitten kitchen naked tomato sauce!!!)
Avocado slices with crackers
Tortilla with hummus/tzaziki
Leftovers from the night before (Indian food, pasta, rice...)
Pancakes
+
Sautéed zucchini or squash or any vegetable actually
Broccoli (my love, there's only you in my life...)
Cherry tomatoes (...the only thing that's right...)
Yellow and red peppers (...My first love...)
Carrots (...You're every breath that i take...)
Edamame (damn.)
Cheese cubes or string cheese
Hard-boiled egg
Yogurt
Mixed berries, grapes, kiwi, melon (kiwi is usually messy)
Orange slices
Half a banana
Apple slices with cinnamon (MY ENDLESS LOVE)


Cheese sandwich with tomato and/or avocado and/or egg
Soba with tofu, beansprouts and stuff
Ba na na
Apple and peanut butter sandwiches
+
chocolate cake
chocolate chip cookies
apple chips
kale chips
chips
banana cake
brownie
apple pie
Lemon Drizzle cake

I am ready for term 4.
I AM READDDDYYYYY

that school canteen's lack of veggie fare WILL NOT CONQUER ME

(oh did i mention? I am now vegetarian)

my not-dream job



I am completely and utterly convinced that i don't want any job that is a permutation of the teaching profession. Not therapy, not lecturing, not teaching.

I was telling my mother this.

And she pointed at the ceiling and said

'He (God) can hear you, you know.'

And so i threw my head back and cried

'Please PLEASE PLEASE let me NOT be a TEACHER.

PLEASE.'

And then i thought how Gideon didn't want to be a leader and then he was one and i shivered because you never know.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Chris' Car



Yesterday after Nic's birthday dinner, Chris was going to send Hannah and I home.

And so we walked with him toward

the sleekest, most beautiful and business like black car you'd ever seen, as he suavely slid his keys out of his pocket...

and completely fooled us into thinking he was actually driving a car like THAT

but of course he wasn't, so after laughing about it, we walked some more

Towards a gleaming silver car (kidding it was night but if it was day it would have been gleaming), as he slid he hand along it's bonnet,

before setting off again to find his actual car.

And then suddenly we saw the blazing path of two headlights left on, and heard

"shit."

(Guess who's car it was?)

Friday, August 22, 2014

flight




High Flight by John Magee

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
 And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
 Sunwards I’ve climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
 Of sun-split clouds – and done a thousand things
 You have not dreamed of - wheeled and soared and swung 
 High in the sunlit silence. Hovering there,
 I’ve chased the shouting wind along and flung
 My eager craft through footless halls of air,
 Up, up the long delirious burning blue
 I’ve topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
 Where never lark, or even eagle, flew;
 And, while with silent, lifting mind I’ve trod
 The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
 Put out my hand, and touched the face of god.

On street harassment



A few days ago i came across a video that consisted of interviews of women who had been street harassed, experienced catcalling, groping, inappropriate touching and borderline violence from men on the street who they never knew. I was so disgusted because it was as if these men felt like they owned women, and relished in the power they had over women and the fear they could evoke.

When i walk home from school at night i do feel terrified, a do take my phone out and dial my dad's number and keep my finger hovering over the green call button, and i do panic if i here footsteps behind me. I don't know if its an inborn fear among girls, but i wish it didn't have to be. I wish it were irrational over imagination and i wish harassment like that was a very very distant nightmare. But it isn't.

I remember my mother telling me when i was young of one of my neighbors who had been walking out of her house when she had been pulled behind a bush nearby and 'touched'. I still remember how frightened i felt by that word i knew this 'touched' was not the same kind of touch I'd ever heard or felt before. And my mum told me how it was something most girls experience in life. And after that i felt kind of like life was a ticking time bomb and one day a man was going to reach out, touch me, and explode it.

That was why i had such a strong aversion to the two boys in SCGS who whistled and shouted at me as i played badminton in the courtyard (http://sleepingpolicemen.blogspot.sg/2012/09/weird-stuff-happens.html)
because the bomb went 'tick     tick    tick  tick tick tickticktickticktick'

I just think this should be stopped, and i don't know how but i do know why- because when bombs explode, they damage.

eye-commplishment




Today i successfully did eyeliner!!!! Not a cat eye of anything extravagant actually all i did was outline my upper eye but i felt a sense of triumph (like stevens but not in such a warped masochistic kind of way) because finally finally i have been initiated into the world of makeup

Monday, August 18, 2014


I want long hair again so i can do this

Sunday, August 17, 2014

do not go gently




Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Dylan Marlais Thomas

mix



I still can't quite decide if Monday was a terriblehorriblenogoodverybad day, or a day full of whimsy and wonder.

It began well, with a porridge breakfast.
(i don't know why people don't think oats when i say porridge-why would one eat rice for breakfast?)
whenever i eat porridge i think other grandma, because she eats it every day for breakfast. I have mine with honey, cinnamon and raisins and she has hers much the same, except less of each flavour whilst i pile it on.

After that i studied with Ben for a while, and i wasn't very productive, although i did finish my math notes!

After that the day started to go downhill. I had to prepare for my interview with PSC, i.e. the biggest interview of my entire life, upon which the course of my future depended upon. I wore a neatly pressed white shirt and a beige skirt and my court shoes and stockings and i felt completely not me. But i still went, arriving 45 minutes early and so i hung around the library while i waited.

When time came for me to wait i went to the waiting room and had a nice chat with the girl before me who was really friendly and comforting.
After she was called in talked with the girl after me too, mostly about the same things i talked about with the girl before.

My interview. I honestly feel like it went rather badly, it was grueling and tough and the interviewers were so so thorough, i felt young and stupid and superficial in their presence. I also felt incredibly annoyed at how they kept on interrupting me, preventing me from developing my answers to a point i felt satisfied with. They asked me on all manner of things, from shoebox houses in Hongkong, to the reasons for the gaza conflict, to my disinclination for leadership and preference instead for being an 'influential follower'

Perhaps i don't want to be bonded for 6 years, I'm still not completely certain  about that. I don't know so much about whether i want to be bonded right now. I think for this i will see how God steers me (especially in the outcome of this interview) and who knows, perhaps losing it will be a blessing in disguise.

After the interview, i walked toward the mrt station, and was stopped on the way by a man who asked me about my school and stuff and apparently was from AC too before he transferred to a polytechnic. And anyway he was raising funds for a school for girls on the street, and asked me what i thought they needed to build a school. So, helpfully, i said, "Bricks." Which made him laugh but didn't deter his purpose and so i left $10 poorer (did i ever mention that I'm very bad at saying no) but for some reason the encounter lifted my spirits somewhat. (when i returned home my other said he was probably planted by the PSC to see how gullible i was)

But after that i headed to Holland village to get a dog balloon from Gideon for Daphne's birthday the next day. (i was the official balloon carrier for his surprise for her the next day) And so i rode the train home in my court shoes, starched top, beige skirt, and a helium filled pug under one arm, and had a mini discussion with the Cold Storage cashier in chinese over whether it was a dog or a seal (she still remained unconvinced that i was a dog after i left)

I got home, thoroughly tired, and made a cheesecake, and then went for a swim to wash of the stress of THE FUTURE. I pseudo-raced the man in the lane next to me without him knowing, and i am proud to say i won this unofficial Olympic race. Or rather he was disqualified because he left the pool before i felt like the race was over, so i did the next few laps in solitude, and then just floated around and submersed myself in the water until i was confused over how to find the surface and where was the bottom and the top and whether i was still in a pool or just floating in space.

In order to prevent drowning (ever pragmatic) i left, put on my clothes over my wet swim things and dripped all the way back home, finishing a Poirot mystery on the way.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

m u r d e r e r





i feel like a murderer

Whenever i break a glass
I hoover it up with the hand held vacuum we keep behind the kitchen door
and leave it
until the next time i break something

today my father took the vacuum, and wanted to empty it out, before he hoovered something else out
and he plunged his hand
into my mess of shattered glass
like icicles

and he ran upstairs
and washed and washed and washed his hands trying to get the glass splinters out

and he didn't scold me at all
just panted heavily in pain


Sunday, August 10, 2014

Joy Joy Joy


I didn't go to church today because i was so immensely exhausted and feeling sicky, after waking up during a night plagued with dreams of a strange mafia that shot your eyes so your wouldn't see their evil and then drilled out your heart. Instead, i listened to John Piper's sermon 'God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.' 
It was one of the greatest sermons I've heard this year. It was mostly about christian hedonism, which is (as i understand it) the pursuit of happiness through God. I've been thinking about that for a long time (http://sleepingpolicemen.blogspot.sg/2014/06/who-is-my-god.html),and i always came to the conclusion that JOY is what God desires for us. 
This message confirms it, and explains it in a way that is so harmonious and rational and most importantly biblical that i found myself nodding vigorously to my computer as i munched on my honey toast breakfast.
So here's a transcript (with my little add ons near the end) and i hope it blesses you the way it blessed me! (my favourite part is the long quote of C.S Lewis which i think makes the question on God desiring our praise SO much more understandable)
I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel, 13 so that it has become known throughout the whole imperial guard and to all the rest that my imprisonment is for Christ. 14 And most of the brothers, having become confident in the Lord by my imprisonment, are much more bold to speak the word without fear. 15 Some indeed preach Christ from envy and rivalry, but others from good will. 16 The latter do it out of love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. 17 The former proclaim Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely but thinking to afflict me in my imprisonment. 18 What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice.
Yes, and I will rejoice, 19 for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, 20 as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death. 21For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. 22 If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. 23 I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. 24 But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account. 25Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, 26 so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus, because of my coming to you again.
In our series on the 30-year theological trademarks of Bethlehem we focus on Christian Hedonism. And let’s be clear from the outset that Bethlehem has not been built around a slogan or a label. The term “Christian Hedonism” is not in any of this church’s official documents. It’s not in our constitution, or our church covenant, or our Elder Affirmation of Faith, or Values booklet, or our Ten Dimensions of Church Life. It’s catchy, it’s controversial, it’s not in the Bible, and you don’t need to like it just because I do. So the point of this message is not at all to push a label or a slogan. The point is to talk about the massive and pervasive biblical truth that some of us love to call Christian Hedonism.
So this sermon is packed with some of the juiciest, most wonderful things that I love to know and experience. We need to get to work. Here’s the outline:
  • First, there’s a problem that needs be solved because of my second message in this series.
  • Second, Christian Hedonism is the biblical solution to that problem.
  • C. S. Lewis, and St. Paul give the basis for that solution.
  • Fourth, this solution — Christian Hedonism — changes everything in your life. (Eleven examples!)
That’s a tall order for one sermon. So here we go.

1. What I said in the second message created a problem.

I asked, Why did God create the world? And I answered: God created this worldfor the praise of the glory of his grace displayed supremely in the death of Jesus.The problem is that, at the heart of that answer is God’s self-promotion. God created the world for his own praise. For his own glory.
Oprah Winfrey, Brad Pitt, the early C. S. Lewis, Eric Reece, Michael Prowse all walk away from such a God. They stumble over God’s self-promotion.
  • Oprah walked away from orthodox Christianity when she was about 27 because of the biblical teaching that God is Jealous — he demands that he and no one else get our highest allegiance and affection. It didn’t sound loving to her.
  • Brad Pitt turned away from his boyhood faith, he says, because God says, “You have to say that I'm the best. . . . It seemed to be about ego.”
  • C. S. Lewis, before he became a Christian, complained that God’s demand to be praised sounded like “a vain woman who wants compliments.”
  • Erik Reece, the writer of An American Gospel, rejected the Jesus of the Gospels because only an egomaniac would demand that we love him for than we love our parents and children.
  • And Michael Prowse, the columnist for the London Financial times, turned away because only “tyrants, puffed up with pride, crave adulation.”
So people see this as a problem — that God created the world for his own praise. They think such self-exaltation would be immoral and loveless. That may be how you feel.

2. Christian Hedonism is the biblical solution to this problem.

Christian Hedonism says, God is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in him. That’s the shortest summary of what we mean by Christian Hedonism. If that is true, then there is no conflict between your greatest exhilaration and God’s greatest glorification.
In fact, not only is there no conflict between your happiness and God’s glory, but his glory shines in your happiness, when your happiness is in him. And since God is the source of greatest happiness, and since he is the greatest treasure in the world, and since his glory is the most satisfying gift he could possibly give us, therefore it is the kindest, most loving thing he could possibly do — to reveal himself, and magnify himself and vindicate himself for our everlasting enjoyment. “In your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore” (Psalm 16:11).
God is the one being for whom self-exaltation is the most loving act, because he is exalting for us what alone can satisfy us fully and forever. If we exalt ourselves, we are not loving, because we distract people from the one Person who can make them happy forever, God. But if God exalts himself, he draws attention to the one Person who can make us happy forever, himself. He is not an egomaniac. He is an infinitely glorious, all-satisfying God, offering us everlasting and supreme joy in himself.
That’s the solution to our problem.
  • No Oprah, if God were not jealous for all your affections, he would be indifferent to your final misery.
  • No Brad Pitt, if God didn’t demand that you see him as the best, he wouldn’t care about your supreme happiness.
  • No Mr. Lewis, God is not vain in demanding your praise. This is his highest virtue, and your highest joy.
  • No, Erik Reece, if Jesus didn’t lay claim on greater love than your children do, he be selling your heart to what cannot satisfy forever.
  • No, Michael Prowse, God does not crave your adulation, he offers it as your greatest pleasure.
God is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in him. God’s design to pursue his own glory turns out to be love. And our duty to pursue God’s glory turns out to be a quest for joy. That's the solution to the problem of God's self-exaltation.

3. Third, C. S. Lewis, and St. Paul give the basis for that solution — the basis for Christian Hedonism.

Lewis saw the basis in human experience. St. Paul shows it the letter to the Philippians. Here is the great discovery as I first found it in Lewis’s book,Reflections on the Psalms. He is discovering why God’s demand for our praise is not vain.
The most obvious fact about praise — whether of God or any thing — strangely escaped me. I thought of it in terms of compliment, approval, or the giving of honor. I had never noticed that all enjoyment spontaneously overflows into praise unless . . . shyness or the fear of boring others is deliberately brought in to check it. The world rings with praise — lovers praising their mistresses, readers their favorite poet, walkers praising the countryside, players praising their favorite game — praise of weather, wines, dishes, actors, motors, horses, colleges, countries, historical personages, children, flowers, mountains, rare stamps, rare beetles, even sometimes politicians or scholars. I had not noticed how the humblest, and at the same time most balanced and capacious, minds, praised most, while the cranks, misfits and malcontents praised least.…
I had not noticed either that just as men spontaneously praise whatever they value, so they spontaneously urge us to join them in praising it: “Isn’t she lovely? Wasn’t it glorious? Don’t you think that magnificent?” The Psalmists in telling everyone to praise God are doing what all men do when they speak of what they care about. My whole, more general, difficulty about the praise of God depended on my absurdly denying to us, as regards the supremely Valuable, what we delight to do, what indeed we can’t help doing, about everything else we value.
I think we delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not  merely expresses but completes the enjoyment; it is it’s appointed consummation. It is not out of compliment that lovers keep on telling one another how beautiful they are; the delight is incomplete till it is expressed.1
There it was. God’s relentless command that we see him as glorious and praise him is a command that we settle for nothing less than the completion of our joy in him. Praise is not just the expression, but the consummation, of our joy what is supremely enjoyable, namely, God. In his presence is fullness of joy; at hisright hand are pleasures forevermore (Psalm 16:11). In demanding our praise, he is demanding the completion of our pleasure. God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him.

That Christ Be Seen As Great

And that is what we find in Philippians 1:20–21.
It is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored [magnified — to cause to be seen as great] in my body, whether by life or by death. 21 For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.
Paul says that his great passion in life — I hope it’s your great passion in life — is that in his life Christ would be seen as great — supremely great. That is why God created us and saved us — to make Christ look like what he really is — supremely great.
Now the relationship between verses 20 and 21 is the key to seeing how Paul thinks that happens. It’s going to happen, Paul says — Christ is going to be magnified in my body by life or death — “because to me to live is Christ and to die is gain” (verse 21). Notice that “life” in verse 20 corresponds to “live” in verse 21 and “death” in verse 20 corresponds to “die” in verse 21. So Paul is explaining in both cases — life and death — how Christ is going to look great.
He will look great in my life because “for me to live is Christ.” He explains inPhilippians 3:8, “I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.” So Christ is more precious, more valuable, more satisfying than all that life on this earth can give. “I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.”
This is what he means when he says in Philippians 1:21, “To me to live is Christ.” And that he says is how his life magnifies Christ — makes him look great. Christ is most magnified in Paul’s life when Paul, in his life, is most satisfied in Christ. That’s the plain teaching of these two texts.

Death As Gain?

And it gets even plainer when you consider the death half of Philippians 1:20–21. Christ will be magnified in my body by death, “because to me to die is gain” (verse 21). Why would death be gain? The answer is in verse 23b: “My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better.” Death is gain because it means a greater closeness of being with Christ. Death is “to depart and be with Christ.”
This is why Paul says in verse 21 that to die is gain. You add up all the losses that death will cost you (your family, your job, your dream retirement, the friends you leave behind, your favorite bodily pleasures) — you add up all these losses, and then you replace them only with death and Christ — if when you do that you joyfully say, gain!, then Christ is magnified in your dying. Christ is most magnified in your death, when you are so satisfied in Christ, that losing everything and getting only Christ is called gain.
Or to sum up both halves of the verse: Christ is glorified in you when he is more precious to you than all that life can give or death can take.

The Centrality of the Cross

That’s the biblical basis for Christian Hedonism: God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him.
And this really was already implicit in the second message in this series. God created the world for the praise of the glory of his grace displayed supremely in the death of Jesus. Which means that the pursuit of his own praise reaches its climax at the place where it does us the most good, the cross. At the cross God upholds his glory and provides our forgiveness. At the cross God vindicates his own honor and secures our happiness. At the cross God magnifies his own worth and satisfies our soul.
In the greatest act of history, Christ made it come true for undeserving sinners that God could be most glorified in us by our being most satisfied in him.

4. Christian Hedonism changes everything: 11 illustrations

Death
1. We’ve just seen how it changes death. If you want to make Christ look great in your dying, there is no big performance or achievement or heroic sacrifice. There is simply a child-like laying yourself into the arms of the one who makes the loss of everything gain.
Conversion
2. Christian Hedonism changes how we think about conversion. Matthew 13:44, “The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.” Becoming a Christian not only means believing truth. It means finding a treasure. So evangelism becomes not only persuasion about truth but pointing people to a Treasure—that is more valuable than everything they have.
The Fight of Faith
3. Christian Hedonism changes “the good fight of faith” (1 Timothy 6:12). John says in John 1:12, “To all who received Jesus, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God” (John 1:12). Believing Jesus is receiving him. As what? As the infinitely valuable Treasure that he is. Faith is seeing and savoring this Treasure. And so the fight of faith is a fight for joy in Jesus. A continual fight to see and savor Jesus is more precious than anything in the world. Because this savoring shows him to be supremely valuable.
(Am i wanting to look at whatsapp before i look at Jesus? Sounds stupid. But that's how stupid sin is.)
Combating Evil
4. Christian Hedonism changes how we combat evil in our lives. Jeremiah 2:13gives the Christian Hedonist definition of evil: “My people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water.” (SILAS MARNER!!!!) Evil is the suicidal preference for the empty wells of the world over the living waters of God’s fellowship. We fight evil by the pursuit of the fullest satisfaction in the river of God’s delights (Psalm 36:8).
Our own WILLPOWER is not the solution to sin. FAITH is.
YOU CAN'T HAVE ME I've seen JESUS this morning.
What Hell Is
5. Christian Hedonism changes how we think of hell. Since the way to be saved and go to heaven is to embrace Jesus as your source of greatest joy, hell is a place of suffering, a place of eternal unhappiness, prepared for people who refuse to be happy in the triune God. Hell is eternal unhappiness----eternal separation from God=no way to praise and fulfill our joy.
Self-Denial
6. Christian Hedonism changes the way we think about self-denial. Oh, it is really there in the teachings of Jesus, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me” (Mark 8:34). But now the meaning becomes,
  • Deny yourself the wealth of the world so you can have the wealth of being with Christ.
  • Deny yourself the fame of the world to have the joy of God’s approval.
  • Deny yourself the security and safety of the world to have the solid, secure fellowship of Jesus.
  • Deny yourself the short, unsatisfying pleasures of the world so that you can have fullness of joy and pleasures forevermore at God’s right hand.
Which means there is no such thing as ultimate self-denial, because to live is Christ and to die is gain.
Money
7. Christian Hedonism changes the way we think about handling our money and the act of giving. Acts 20:35, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” 2 Corinthians 9:7, “Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” The motive to be a generous person, is that it expresses and expands our joy in God. And the pursuit of deepest joy is the pursuit of giving not getting. (No longer a 10% compulsion)
Corporate Worship
8. Christian Hedonism changes the way we do corporate worship. Corporate worship is the collective act of glorifying God. But God is glorified in that service when the people are satisfied in him. Therefore, the worship leaders — musicians and preachers — see their task primarily as breaking open a fountain of living water and spreading a feast of rich food. The task of the worshippers is to drink and eat and say a satisfied "Ahhh." (That's called praise) Come starved to get God. Because God is most glorified in those worshippers when they are most satisfied in him. (The seige Helen Dunmore)
Disability and Weakness
9. Christian Hedonism changes the way we experience disability and weakness. Stunningly, paradoxically, Jesus says to the weak and thorn-pierced Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” To which Paul responds, “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly [yes this is the voice of the thorn-pierced Christian Hedonist] of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me” (2 Corinthians 12:9). (C.R. Philippians 1:20) 
Love
10. Christian Hedonism changes the meaning of love. Paul describes the love of the Macedonians like this: “In a severe test of affliction, their abundance of joy and their extreme poverty have overflowed in a wealth of generosity on their part” (2 Corinthians 8:2). In verse 8, Paul calls this "love." "Abundant joy" in “severe affliction” and “extreme poverty” overflowed in loving generosity. Still poor. Still afflicted. But so full of joy it overflowed in love. So Christian Hedonism defines love as the overflow (or the expansion) of joy in God that meets the needs of others.
(Afflictions will not go away, they will probably get worse. BUT in these afflictions JOY in Jesus still remains! God is joy.)
Ministry
11. Christian Hedonism changes the meaning of ministry. What is the ministry aim of the great apostle Paul? 2 Corinthians 1:24, “Not that we lord it over your faith, but we are workers with you for your joy, for you stand firm in your faith.” All ministry should be one way or the other a working with others for their joy.
That’s why God created you (for your joy in Him). That’s why Christ died for you. That’s why we serve you as your pastors. And that is why I have preached this message. We are workers with you for your joy in God. Because God is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in him.