Mum, is my face fat?

I was in the kitchen this evening, reading, when Mum came in and I don't know precisely why but I asked her:

'Mum, is my face fat?'
 
Since coming to England I do think my cheeks have got rounder. I remember when Nat and I was flying back to Singapore, I passed a woman from church in the departure lounge, who didn't say hello. When I got on the airplane, I passed her again and she said 'Miriam! I didn't recognise you because...' and she blew out her cheeks and patted them.

And I felt horrified - had I so drastically changed that I was unrecognisable? Was I really fat, something I've never been in my life (apart from when I was the chubbiest baby)?

I know all this sounds terribly vain, and I am often embarrassed that I think of it. But the truth is, girls do think about this often. Why? I don't know. But I wonder how many hours and days of my life I have wasted just worrying about how I look, and particularly how I look to others. It's embarrassing because I so often reassure my friends that they look fine, just being their beautiful selves, but it's difficult to apply the same grace to myself. (I've certainly heard that before.)

It is terrible how, once mentioned, an idea is hard to shake. I couldn't get the notion that my face was fat out of my head. I googled 'exercises for face', 'how to reduce face fat', 'facial exercises for slim face'. I tried different ways of smiling to make my cheeks not go out so wide, or to make my mouth look wider in comparison.

'Of course not, darling,' Mum replied. 'You are stunning,' (being my mum, a certain degree of hyperbole is permissible) 'Why are you doubting yourself? God made you beautiful.'

And of course, as usual, she is right. I don't know why this stupid, vain, time-wasting worry has been rooted in my head.

'Your face is beautiful, but what happens on your face is more important. Your facial expressions. You could be beautiful and smile, or ugly and smile and you'd still be beautiful. Or you could be beautiful and be grumpy, and that's not so nice. You are beautiful on the outside, but more importantly, it is the inside that always needs working on.'

I was glad that she said that, because I might have a beautiful face but my inside definitely needs working on, particularly since I've been feeling incredibly frustrated, restless and sad the past few days. There is a line from a song I used to sing in church long ago: 'Make me, mold me, use me, fill me; I give my life to the Potter's hands. Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me; I give my life to the Potter's hands.' He has made me, and knows me. He has called me to greater things that thinking of circumference and diameter of a few square inches of transient flesh. For within that is a spirit that was given life and breath by God to worship Him. Lord, turn my worry and vanity into worship. Let me gaze on your face and not think stupid things about mine. Help me look into the mirror not to try to manipulate angles but to affirm Your power of creation and Your call to live a life that pleases You and spreads Your love. And please walk beside me as I try because I can't do this on my own.