Yesterday was a grey day of rain, anxiety, essay writing and dissertation proposal submission. After waking up with my heart beating fast already, as if my body was afraid of the day, I brainstormed and submitted my dissertation proposal and then walked out into the drizzle to buy a lemon to cheer myself up and to make hummus.
As I cycled down to school I spoke to God, apologising for how short sighted my focus had been that morning - everything hung on the balance of how I worked, how I lived. I didn't think of grace, or the cross, or the wideness of God's mercy and His capacity and my identity in Him, separate from achievement or striving. I began this year determined not to let myself get anxious about work, but I realise I can't even do that on my own strength - I need God to change my heart, to take that anxiety away and to carry me through writing and reading and thinking.
As I prayed with Jacob that evening, I remembered a couple of weeks ago when I ran in Hampstead Heath. It was a sunny day, and I was feeling exhausted but happy, and I centred myself as I ran by thinking: 'I am a girl, in leggings and trainers, running in Hampstead Heath. The sun is shining, there are other runners out too - they are probably just as tired as I am but they know, like I do, that doing a difficult thing is rewarding.' And as I thought about the facts and the privelege I had to be where I was, doing what I love, with people around me who love and support me my heart swelled and I felt the lyrics of that child's hymn I used to sing in Sunday school 'this is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it'. On days like yesterday, when things are drab and not exciting - those days are still made by God and I want to be able to rejoice in them too.
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