Release

I woke up from a dream about looking for a bathroom in a dusty, dark manor-house. 

This song has been my playlist for the past 3 days (Thank you Ching)

I was writing about Lancelot Andrews yesterday when I looked at my wrist and stopped. You know how baby skin is smooth and old - person skin is criss crossed and wrinkled? I realised that I could see those tiny lines on my skin. And then it hit me - this is an almost twenty year old arm. How wonderful, how strange. Have I lived enough? How much longer do I have? What will my arm look like in my grave? Is it normal for a twenty year old to think about life, death, the after-life, and whether there are bicycles in heaven?

I think I have discovered my super power - On Sunday when I was skyping Hannah she asked me if I spent a lot of time by myself, and I said yes. Then she said, 'Don't you get bored?' And I realised: no, I don't, I really love spending time alone, writing in my diary, reading about weird and wonderful things, perfecting my headstands, going for a run, watching a movie in a theater with just 5 other people who are mostly watching movies alone like me, having space to dance in my room to 'Without you' (today I was dancing and looked out of the window to see someone looking in). I do get lonely, occasionally, but then I turn that into something else - like a cycle ride to the grocery store to get good ingredients for a new dish. And how can I be lonely for long when the world around me is full of love, when there's the friendly Australian maintenance guy who fixed my lights and winks at me whenever we pass, when I have friends who are up for a spontaneous cycle to Grantchester or a falafel lunch, when God whispers to me through His word and His earth, and when I have the assurance of family and friends over on the other side of the planet thinking and praying for me.

Yesterday I spent most of my time reading or trying to read Lancelot Andrew's sermons and criticism on Donne. Drained and curled up in the JCR with a book of Donne's poems, I checked through my emails just to see if anything new had come it. Down the list, I came across 'Reading for Prac Crit class'

'Oh dear.

That class was today.

That class was hours ago.'

I'd completely forgotten to go for a class (which I actually really enjoy!)

That night I prayed probably the simplest prayer in a long time.

'Dear God,

I'm so tired. So so so tired. Help me rest, help me work.

Amen.'