Learning about God's view of relationship

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” -Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

I recently finished The Meaning of Marriage, which was such a good book which challenged me in so many ways, in how I view my relationship with J and with God. Some of the main things I learnt were ---

Relationships need the Holy Spirit:

-The Holy Spirit's task is to unfold the meaning of Jesus's person and work to believers in such as way that the glory of it is brought home to the mind and heart

-This lets us love a life of joy and gratitude

-That attitude of gratitude is fundamental to relationships of love, where we live not for ourselves but for the other person in that relationship

-We understand the gospel message that we are self-centred sinners and yet saved. Therefore we don't need to earn extra self worth , and we also don't need to be bitter and resentful when we are deprived of compliment/reward, we don't hold grudges. We freely give and freely receive.

Covenant Relationships:

-A relationship is made more intimate because it is legal - the legal bond creates a space of security where we can open up and reveal our true selves

-Promises are important because feelings are fleeting, 'without being bound to the fulfillment of our promises we would never be able to keep our identities, we would be condemned to wander helplessly and without direction in the darkness of each person's lonely heart, caught in its contradictions and equivocalities'

-Promising means freedom because 'when i make a promise to anyone, I rise above all the conditioning that limits me[...]only a person can make a promise. And when he does, he is most free.'

Love takes effort:

-'In any relationship, there will be frightening spells in which your feelings of love dry up. And when that happens you must remember that the essence of marriage is that it is a covenant, a commitment, a promise of future love. So what do you do? You do the acts of love, despite your lack of feeling. You may not feel tender, sympathetic, and eager to please, but in your actions you must BE tender, understanding, forgiving and helpful. And, if you do that, as time goes on you will not only get through the dry spells, but they will become less frequent and deep, and you will become more constant in your feelings. This is what can happen if you decide to love.'

Love is based on deep and meaningful friendship:

-'Friendship is a deep oneness that develops when two people, speaking the truth in love to one another, journey together to the same horizon. [...] Within this Christian vision of marriage, here's what it means to fall in love. It is to look at another person and get a glimpse of what God is creating, and to say, "I see who God is making you, and it excites me! I want to be part of that. I want to partner with you and God in the journey you are taking to his throne. And when we get there, I will look at your magnificence and say, 'I always knew you could be like this. I got glimpses of it on earth, but now look at you!''

A relationship is strengthened and sustained by God-given truth, love and grace:

- Honesty in a relationship means confronting (but not judging) the whole truth of another person, and all their flaws. It also means being vulnerable and truthful with your own flaws, realising that you aren't perfect but you are loved. And part of the loving is the other person helping you with your flaws. 
-Love needs to be expressed in a way the other person can understand (love languages!). Love affirms and builds up and transforms.
-Grace reconciles truth and love - it means we can use truthfulness to love the other person without hurting them, and that we can love the other person without ruining them with affection.

Sex is a beautiful and important part of a committed, covenant relationship:

-“Indeed, sex is perhaps the most powerful God-created way to help you give your entire self to another human being.  Sex is God’s appointed way for two people to reciprocally say to one another, “I belong completely, permanently, and exclusively to you.”  You must not use sex to say anything less.”