Shaun fell of his bicycle and couldn't lead morning prayer this morning, so I filled in, after a 1.30pm essay hand-in the night before. So tired, so very very tired. But I still saw clouds with pink under-bellies as I streamed down the hill, gloves forgotten and fingers waxy yellow cold.
After prayer, I imagined myself doing dissertation reading and perhaps a grocery shop but what happened instead was after waving goodbye to Naomi and Beth, I stood for half an hour trying to unlock my bicycle. The lock was so stiff it wouldn't turn, no matter how much force, key jiggling, or fervent whispers of 'come on' I used.
And maybe it was the bicycle, or the tiredness, or the knowledge that I hadn't written a very good essay, or the feeling of time slipping away, or homelessness, or cold, or ...or... but I felt shaken and forsaken, and I walked away.
But I refused to believe that I could be defeated by a bicycle, and I walked back all the while feeling as if I was walking to definite sadness. I called Mum (because what else can one do?) and when I heard her warm, known voice I started crying.
And so I stood in tears, trying the lock, which wouldn't budge, listening to Mum tell me he wished she could give me a hug and a rub on the back. My sweet Mum - I wished she could too. After that I quietened a little, and decided to call Nat since I was still out there with the lock. I thought I'd finished but I ended up crying again, but thankfully Nat is the sort of friend who I don't feel embarrassed crying in front of, and also the kind of friend who is full of love and comfort when I do.
God has given me such angels behind and before me, and on my walk back to college (I left my bicycle where it was) I had the chance to slow down, earn some charity miles walking, and I got into my halls just as the first drops of rain started.
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