Missing Home

Homesickness comes in waves or not at all.

Two days ago, I was reading the note Toby wrote and slipped into my bag on that last day at the airport.

'What's still the same? What is different? Is the basis of our relationship altered and henceforth no longer valid? I trust you already know the answers to these questions, what is incomparable, what is constant/steady, and what you are born with.'

The rational part of my brain knows, it knows, that a relationship is not made of spatiality and time. But sometimes when I feel far away from people and when I haven't heard their voices, I become terrified that these 10,809 kilometers will somehow displace love.

The periods of homesickness come mostly at night, when I am alone with the photos of everyone I love smiling down at me from the wall beside my bed. Sometimes they come at other odd moments. As I was cycling to Polly's on Monday, I felt overcome with sadness. I was hit full in the face with the memory of that last afternoon, as I rolled out bliss balls to bring with me on the flight, and Dad asking if I wanted to go for a walk and then both of us started crying. I kept going, past the river - where it had been golden and sun-filled a couple of weeks ago it was now grey and overcast. But I knew, somehow, under that sadness that sits like a blanket thrown over on my heart, that I am strong enough to keep going. I don't need to go home, not yet, it is not time. I have about 30 more weeks. Everyone has different kinds of strengths, and many strengths within them. Hannah's strength is leading people, Tim's strength is manipulating a football, Dad's strength is fitting an entire house in a suitcase, Mum's strength is her comfort when everything seems ghostly and unreal. And my strength, for these three years, will have to be my ability to live with an island floating in the sea of my heart, and not let it sink me.

As we sat round the table discussing semiotics in Polly's house, Charlie (her little black dog) leaped onto my lap and nuzzled my neck. I let my head fall so my cheek lay on his warm back, and felt comforted - I think animals instinctively know when we need a little extra love.

I taped this quote (thank you Nat) on my door to help me remember that despite being separated by Europe, the Stan countries, India and Indochina, 'we will be together', like Hannah wrote on her poem to me.

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. ” -Khalil Gibran

When they asked for prayer requests during my FOCUS small group, I somehow managed to whisper the words 'I've been missing my family so much this week. Please pray that I'll learn how to love from afar.' My right hand gripped my left arm tightly. It's been so long since I've hugged the people I love.