30/04/15

Thursday was the scariest day of my week.

I was in the Library, minding my own business, trying to see an exhibition called Mind the Gap. On the way, I got distracted by an exhibition about the history of the library. I was browsing the after-war years of the library (Do you know the library was relatively unscathed during the war years because of a partnership between a Japanese Man and an English Man -during the war time -who were passionate about book conservation?)

I was then interrupted by a man, large, old (about 40 years?) and dressed in all dark blue. I initially assumed he was a curator or librarian. He asked what I was doing, so I told him I was just exploring Singapore and the Library was one of my destinations and this exhibit caught my attention, then he asked if I wanted to have a chat. I thought I could find out more about the library (and the practical part of my brain said: You have an interview with NLB on Tuesday, you ought to find out as much as you can)

So I sat down with him in the courtyard balcony.

He started telling me about his life. Which sounds nice but it was terrifying. He told me how he was bisexual and had lost his virginity at the age of 12 because he has 'high drive' (and I didn't know what that was and he could tell I think so he told me it is high sexual drive.) Then he asked me if I had a boyfriend. I said no and told him I didn't want one. He told me he had worked in the porn industry. Then he asked me if I wanted to be a model. I said NO THANK YOU I don't agree with certain types of modelling. He asked me if I was open minded. I said 'I am very very very very VERY conservative.'

Throughout the conversation (when he asked me what I was doing in life now) he kept saying congratulations and shaking me hand, touching my arm, and at one point he tried to put his arm around my waist at which stage I shifted away and told him I am very uncomfortable with touch and that I have 'OCD and am a cleanliness freak' (I had to make something up because desperate times call for desperate measures) and I took out  my hand sanitizer and sanitized my hands for good measure (also method acting)

I didn't run away because I was so scared that he might get angry, and do something worse because I could tell he wasn't mentally stable by the way he slurred his words and talked so candidly about things that are not socially appropriate, especially to a stranger, especially to a young girl stranger.

Then he told me about how he had been sexually abused, how he has depression, anxiety, family issues, and a tumour in his brain, and how all he wants is love. I felt terrible for him, and sad, but partially skeptical, and also constantly scared. So I told him that it doesn't matter who you are or where you are from or what you have don, that God's love can heal any hurt and cover any sin and fill any void. He told me he tried calling to God but God never answers. So I told him that he just has to try again, and sometimes tough times are orchestrated to test and build a person. Then I asked if I could pray for him, which I did. And then I told him I really had to go back to the exhibition, and he let me, and so I went straight to the toilet and hid there for half an hour.

Later on, two floors up in the third installation of the Mind the Gap exhibition, which was a series of video recorded stories played out by actors, I had a shock. Almost every story had echoes of his story - there was a male prostitute (sex industry), there was a man who had been shot in the head (tumour), there was rape, family problems...

I was pretty off for the rest of the day. Thankfully I met Wei Xin who had also had a pretty lousy day, and had some mushroom soup which is always a comfort.