gains

i knew that when i joined track i would get
well
bigger

Then when it came to measuring height and weight in school
i almost fell off the weighing scale
because in the span of about 5 months
i gained about 5 kilos!
which
honestly
scared me

And then my ballet teacher told me today that
she could see my arm muscles
and back (?) muscles

which for some strange reason made me eel so embarrassed and wish my leotard was long a baggy instead of strappy sleeves
to be honest
i wanted to hide myself

which is actually pretty silly

recently an acquaintance has been posting on facebook about how 'macho' 'muscular' woman are their own breed of beautiful, not conforming to the stereotypical, 'mainstream' waif thin mysterious beauty or the sexy curvy voluptuous attractiveness. And i thought it was so brave. and so good.

But i didn't fully agree with her

Because in my mind thin is beautiful. There's something so attractive about the vulnerability that thin-ness conveys. I know you shouldn't have this boxed up compartment of beautiful and not beautiful in you mind. But just like i love blue and yellow and find neon green and pink disturbing...thin just appeals more.

But why can't i see the strength that track gives me as beautiful

Vanity is working against me vanity just wants to bring me down
Keep me where the light is