Redeeming my what ifs

Joanna Goddard recently wrote about an anxiety trick which works for her - turning your what if's around so that rather than dress-rehearsing tragedy we imagine possibilities of joy and peace.

I had the chance to practice this last week. I'd been tasked to bake a birthday cake for my boss, who is great and really supportive and I really wanted to make an utterly delicious cake. I'd eaten a wonderful chocolate hazelnut cake at Jacob's house, made by his top home-chef mum, and I asked her for the recipe, bought ingredients, and started mixing dry ingredients on Wednesday. I baked the cake on Thursday when I got home, but forgot that oven temperatures differ and that I should always check before the time is up - and when so I took the cakes out they were dry.

I panicked.

I hoped that the ganache would help, but it didn't, and so on the morning of bringing it to work, a very frazzled Miriam and her very patient mum poked holes into the cake and moistened them with water - not ideal. Thanks to Mum's help and Hannah kindly offering to take a grab with me to work, I got to work in one piece (and so did the cake), put it in the fridge and tried miserably to forget about it.

I read Goddard’s article during a toilet break, as I tried to breathe calmly in the cubicle, and told Jacob about what I read. I practiced what-ifs of possibility: ‘What if the cake is fine and people focus on just being together and celebrating Daniel?’ ‘What if the water trick worked?’ ‘What if people don’t actually judge me based on my ability to bake?’ And he helped with ‘What if this is your first step in a month of making lots of people happy on their birthdays and your cakes for J and the new person go well too and the office is full of joy?’

In the end, it was fine. People really enjoyed the cake, and despite having 400g of flour in it (and pretty much the same amount of sugar, plus hazelnut meal, plus other ingredients) most of it was eaten! I brought some home for my family and Jacob, and they liked it too. I’m baking another cake for a colleague tomorrow.

The thing is, I care way too much about what people think of me. I care way too much about how I perform, terrified of disappointing people. I also care way too much about the things, trivial or otherwise, which I base my identity on which are not God. I want to be assured, rooted in a love that will not let me go, and courageously loving those around me – ‘for the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline’. (2 Timothy 1:7)

And so,

what if

           the Creator of all things watched over me?

what if

           the perfect one of Heaven called me 'good and faithful servant'?

what if 

           I held closely to the understanding that nothing can separate us from the love of God?