no sleep tonight

(photo courtesy of toby's tumblr again.)
i couldn't sleep well at all last night because for some horrible reason i was plagued with dreams that kept making me wake up.
First, i was at some weird lake that turned from white to purple upon human contact, and i was on a really shallow boat (almost like a leaf really) and when it was just about to tip over i woke up with that swooping feeling in my stomach that you get when you miss a step.
when i did manage to sleep again, i dreamt i was eating chocolate mousse/ice cream with my grandma in the cafe in ixworth and it was dusk and there were clowns doing weird tricks outside the window with lassos made of fire.
Some where after that i woke up again.
and when i feel asleep, i was one of the clowns and jan hai was there i we were packing up the stuff.
then we were walking up the steps to my house, and i had this horrible certainty that Jan hai had absolutely no idea who i was. i had become a stranger to him.
It was horrible
then i said (in my dream) 'Heem" which is what he calls tim and me (for some reason we have the same name, but hannah is ah nah)
and he knew and he let me carry him and gave this happy little sigh and said "heem" too.
and it was like home coming.
i miss jan hai so much :'(