Starting new: let go and know

Late afternoon - to catch the last part of the golden day I decided to walk down the parkland walk to the shops in Crouch End. As I walked, two things became quite clear in my mind:

1) London begins now, and I need to begin putting down new roots despite the knowledge that in a year I am to be uprooted again.

2) Loneliness is something this year might have quite large doses of.

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Choosing between going to London or staying in Cambridge for a master's was a really difficult choice.

London loomed full of possibility - possibility of all sorts.

The possibility that I would learn from some of the best minds in the field of Asian archaeology and art, the possibility that I would meet people full of passion and fun, the possibility that I would grow in confidence about moving in the vast crowd of fast people and rather than getting lost in an ontological crisis I'd feeling my funny old body stepping, stopping, entering and walking and I'd remind myself of who I am.

But London also held the possibility of losing friends, the possibility of showing my ignorance about archaeology and art, the possibility of being uncomfortable, lost, in danger.  It seems like a little thing, but after a skype call with Auntie Heidi and a phone call with Hannah -- realising that to commute to school could take anywhere between 30 minutes to an hour, and that a grocery shop might not be a 10 minute walk away, and that I could possibly be staying somewhere where green fields and a river were not a 10 minute run away -- everything seemed possibly too big for me to handle.

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But words came from Emily, words of wisdom and honesty:

"Now, in your life [...] you'll have a lot of changes to adapt to, and I think it's important that you're able to keep that momentum. I mean, after your education, you're moving back to Singapore – that'll be another change. After your bond you may find your life elsewhere – there's another change.

You'll meet different people in London, learn of different lifestyles. If anything, it's a great adventure.

On staying in Cambridge: I feel as though, if I were in your position, I might feel like I were on borrowed time, that I didn't accomplish all I'd set out to do, that I didn't quite make my mark in the way I'd envisioned, or done or read or said or painted all the things I wanted to. And that's true. Our minds will always have more capacity than our bodies do. And perhaps you may feel that an extra year will allow you to do all that. To further solidify your friendships and memories to make sure they will not, cannot fade. It hurts to even think that they could be undone and you can't bear that. To properly mourn every street corner you dizzily laughed on or every tree whose shade you enjoyed. To let every inch of your soul know and really know.

But every year won't be enough. And that's life I guess.

It's learning to let go and know

You could never have done it even with a million years."

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I'm holding on to the idea that defeat and it's sisters tiredness, loneliness, fear, mediocrity, discomfort and danger can be positives. That God has put me in a place where I will be challenged - what is an adventure without a few dragons? But God also promises to carry me through defeat, not by making me strong but by letting me rest in His strength. 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

So I'm learning to let go and know that I can't do it - I could never have done it, but God can and already has. This space might be a place where I 'boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses', partly because I want to be honest in this space, and I want to write, and I want to learn how to lean on God so that my weaknesses are not things I hide with shame but things I gladly give to God, knowing that he does not see me less because of them but says, 'My child, don't take it all on yourself, let's do this adventure together. My grace is sufficient for the next step, my power will be your stay when your mind reaches ahead of your body, my rest will be the relationship that holds you firm when loneliness seems too large.'