Thoughts on being sick

When I was ill, all I wanted was home. When I skyped family on Sunday I kept crying because I was so lonesome for home - a phrase I remember reading in the Viking Quest Series I read when I was younger.

Telling herself she had to savour each bite, Bree held the cheese to her mouth. Then she remembered. At home her father always prayed before meals. Now the warm memory of that time around the table made Bree lonesome. Swallowing her, she closed her eyes before her tears could spill over.

I wanted so badly to have Mum by my bed side, stroking my hair back and putting her cool hands on my hot face. I wanted so badly to have Dad's herbal soup, with the wolfberries at the bottom.

But it was Lil who prayed. "Thank you, Father, [...] Thank you for this warm house -" 

On Tuesday I went for a walk by myself, just a short one on tired legs round the house and to the park and through an unexpected and beautifully peaceful graveyard. The sun came out and I stopped to feel it on my face after three days of being indoors all day. Birds were singing too, and there was the most beautiful glossy tortoiseshell cat in the grave yard. I came up with a mental list as I walked of the things I was thankful for - skype, vitamins, the sun, family, Jacob, Alex, Becky, vitamins, peas, congee (at least my attempt at it!), poetry, Stanley Cavell, and more and more...

I also realised, though, that a lot of what I am usually thankful for/things that usually make me happy were things that being ill takes away from you. Simple things like running, or yoga (I've always seen yoga as the perfect 'sick day' exercise but I felt too weak to even do that can you believe!) were impossible. Eating was distasteful, I had absolutely no appetite and just ate because I knew my body was expending energy to make me better and I needed to give it energy to do that. But something that remained lovely and life-giving was prayer and hearing God's promises either from the bible or when Jacob read out scripture when we skyped on Sunday (hooray for technology enabled non-contagious contact!!) 

Also I saw the most beautiful thing from my window when I sat there one day - a man stood waiting on the pavement for a long while (I was slightly suspicious at one point!) but finally met a woman who he gave a beautiful bunch of flowers to, and then they embraced. They talked and smiled and the woman glanced over her shoulder to make sure no one was in the street to see before they kissed (little did she know I was watching from the window!) it made me smile to see their love - love is so darn beautiful. They drove off in separate cars, first the woman (leaving the man standing on the pavement as if nothing had happened) and then the man.